Dave and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Year

"Family is the best thing you could ever wish for. They are there for you during the ups and downs and love you no matter what."

Yesterday, I made a tough decision - I decided to leave the profession I love most, because of the bureaucracy and ridiculous nature of our public education system.  I realized that my family was suffering because of my insistence on staying in education, and that my depression was getting worse due to my job.  I am not able to earn enough of a salary to support my family, and teaching takes a lot of time outside of the regular working day.  Additionally, my Asperger's Syndrome is more noticeable when I am stressed, and working as a long term sub, I have no job security.

Living with both Asperger's and depression has its ups and downs.  Of course, one of the negatives is that when my depression kicks in (like that little devil on my shoulder), my stress level goes up, and I start feeling down on myself and my abilities.  Then, like that snowball that you roll down a mountain that wipes out a village at the bottom, it keeps on getting worse, and my Asperger's then pushes me towards a blowout, which makes me feel worse about my inability to control it, which makes my Asperger's affect my judgement even further, pushing me closer to the edge of meltdown village.  And on it goes...

Eventually, one of three things will happen.  Either (1) I end up having that meltdown, which I feel better at the end because, just like Old Faithful, once the stress is gone, I am then able to start processing the cause and results of the stress, and I can see what caused the problem. (2) I end up getting depressed bout my lack of ability to control my emotions, and stay in that state for days.  Or (3), my alexthymia kicks in.  This is the inability to interpret ones own emotions.  In this case, it's like I blew a fuse, and, in an analogy my wife uses to describe this state, I end up becoming like a robot, or Mr. Spock on Valium.  I view it as if a fuse blows to protect my brain, allowing me to release the stress by venting it out without affecting anyone else.

One thing, though, is never-ending, and that is that is the care and love I get from my family.  Any time I am down, my kids or my wife is always there for me, and they never fail.  They are always concerned with my state of being, and will try to bring me back up when I am down.  I am lucky to have them, and I always know they will be there for me, in the good or bad, in sickness and in health.

This may have been a horrible year, being in and out of work, with my job prospects limited, and it may not have been a typical storybook year, but it has a perfect, fairy tale ending...

And he lived happily ever after, with his family right at his side...

The Future of Education

For those of you who don't know me, I am a STEM teacher who also has Asperger's Syndrome.  I like to think that I teach things that will be helpful to kids in their lives after school.  However, I don't fool myself that everything I teach will be useful to the kids, or that all the subject matter that I teach will be helpful to them in real life.  Take pre-calculus, for example.  Most kids, unless they become engineers or something similar, will never use things like that in their lives.  I mean, who in their right minds has ever needed to know the standard formula for an ellipse when doing their grocery shopping?  This attitude has helped me immensely when teaching.  Students see me as a realist and, when they ask me a question like, "What will I use this for?" which is a common question in math classes, I give them an honest answer like, "Nothing, really, but the problem solving skills might just help you one day!"

The other part of my job is as a Learning Specialist.  A part of this job, it is my responsibility to assist students with learning how to learn, or, to put it another way, to help students figure out how their brain works, and find out strategies that they can use to help them learn better and figure out the world around them.  So, in this job, it is my responsibility to help students work their way through the school curriculum, and become successful academically as we'll as socially.  I also see it as part of my job to help introduce new tools and techniques to my fellow teachers that can help them in helping the students to become lifelong learners.  Ultimately, I believe that, for every teacher I can help with additional tools to help the struggling learners, the number of people who can be helped becomes exponential.

Which brings me to my topic for the day.  As an educator, I need to constantly question myself, "Is what I'm teaching today going to help my students in real life?  What is the purpose to teaching them...(Functions, ellipses, Shakespeare, whatever the topic may be)?"  If the answer is, "Because I have to," or, "It's in the curriculum," then maybe you should rethink the topic.  Everything I teach should be for a reason, one that benefits the students in their lives, not just because someone or something said it was important for them to know.

Today, I was working with a student on a math topic, trying to find a way to get him to really understand a concept.  I was finally able to do that with him, and when I asked him about his other classes, I found out that he wasn't doing well reading a work of Shakespeare.  In looking at the weekly reports, his English teacher stated that he wasn't retaining anything from the play.  So, I talked to him about the play, asking him what he though his problem was.  Now, some kids don't think at a high enough level to respond to a question like that, but I've been working with him all year, and I have helped him to see how he thinks and how he learns.  He realized that the language was an issue for him and that, "...even with the other words on the next page..." he was spending so much time trying to understand the words (which he couldn't), that he wasn't getting anything else.  So we looked online and found a website with a more modern, conversational English translation for him to try.  By the end of our time, he said it was much better and that he was able to understand not only the words, but the story as well.  WIN for him, right?  I thought so, BUT...

I e-mailed to the faculty, thinking that this was too great a resource to pass up.  "Maybe it can help other students who are failing (like my student is) retain more of the story and understand it better," I thought.  Well, almost immediately after I hit SEND, I got a reply from his English teacher saying that WE English teachers frown on this site since the language is the important part of Shakespeare, and if they need to work through it, then so be it.  And, to make matters worse, this teacher responded to the faculty e-mail list, which was like a slap to my face.  

So, what IS the point to teaching Shakespeare?  Is it the language?  Is it the style (tragedy, comedy, etc.)?  If it's the language, why not have classes in 9th grade in Shakespearean English?  BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE LANGUAGE!  In my view, the point to teaching Shakespeare is to learn to appreciate a different type of literature.  I feel that we need to reevaluate our curriculum, and those of us who teach because it's part of the curriculum, need to rethink our careers.  Our world is changing, and we are, as I once heard in a talk on Learning and the Brain, "We are using an antiquated model to teach our kids for an advanced world.  The educational model is closed-book, yet the WORLD is OPEN-book!"  Knowledge is no longer the mark of an educated person, it is the problem solvers, the information creators that will be viewed as the educated people of the future.  We, as educators, need to help our students get there, and it will not be through the curriculum of our generation.

Living with Depression AND Autism

I have depression.  I also have Asperger's Syndrome.  I don't know whether the depression developed on its own, or if I was born with it - there is some debate whether it is something one is just predisposed to, or if it is part of one's genetics.  On the other hand, I was BORN with the Asperger's Syndrome, and I grew up with it.

Growing up with AS (Asperger's Syndrome - now High Functioning Autism), I have always had a difficult time putting myself in other people's places, and had to learn to cognitively figure out other people.  So, I regularly got into situations when I misunderstood something that was said, and got into a bad place.  This is when my depression started manifesting itself.  My AS

However, when I became an adult, my depression got worse, and when I was 31, I started realizing that it was a problem.  I had gotten a job teaching at a boarding school, and was putting in 60-80 hour work weeks.  I also had a couple of run-ins with the school's headmaster, and was regularly told that I wasn't doing things right.  Yet, every time I asked for help, I was told that I needed to figure it out on my own.  This regular lecturing without assistance made me feel like I was a failure, and would never amount to anything. Finally, I sought out the help of a licensed therapist to find out what was wrong with me.  I ended up going through therapy for 5 years, and going on medication (which I am still on). I realized that it wasn't all me, but that it was the school I was working for, and some of the administration at the school (like the headmaster), that was the real problem.  After realizing that, I decided to seek another job.  I stayed on my medication, but ended my therapy sessions.

Since that time, I have been in and out of different teaching jobs.  I was always told how much the kids love me as a teacher, but there's always one or two who complain.  Unfortunately, the administration at the schools only hear from the squeaky wheels, and so I have constantly heard about my shortcomings, but rarely about what I was doing right.  I would have good days at school, and bad days at school, but every bad day was 100 times worse than the good days.  So, one day last year, I decided that I had had enough stress and grief.  I was blowing up at my wife and kids on a regular basis, I would stay at school grading papers and going to endless faculty meetings, and I was getting nothing but negative feedback about my performance.  There were endless days designated to testing, and the kids were overloaded since they were expected to learn more with less time.  Then, when I got a call from the high school in town about needing a long term sub, I jumped at the chance.

I enjoyed my 4 months at the high school.  I knew a number of the kids, since I lived in town, and am still hearing from parents and students about how well the kids took to my teaching.  And, most importantly, my depression symptoms became almost invisible.  Yet, my job was over in June, and I have had 3 long term sub spots since then.  One of them was almost as good, but the other two were/are stressful.

My depression pops up now and again, and my meds only work to lessen those symptoms.  My AS also gets in the way from time to time.  I have decided to leave teaching and seek other employment.  Connecticut has some wonderful programs and grants to get unemployed and underemployed workers into fields that need more workers.  Healthcare is one.  Our population is aging, due to the baby boomers getting to retirement age, and there is a large need for CNAs and LPNs to care for them.  Unfortunately, it takes a specail person to care for older people, and after burning out as a teacher, Ino longer have the patience to deal with the stresses of the health field.  Another area that tCTgot grant money for is the tech field.  Technology is aadvancing at an amazing rate (almost as high a rate as the aging of our population), and there is a need for tech workers.  This is an area that I have some experience in, and feel I would be great at.  Unfortunately, this grant program is not run as well, and there is a lack of communication between those running it for the state and those who wish to utilize it.  It's a shame, since this would be something I could excel at, especially with my Asperger's Syndrome!

Fortunately for me, and many others, the state also received a grant to create a "pipeline"to funnel workers into manufacturing jobs.  After decades of skilled jobs leaving the US and going to other countries, there has been a resurgence of manufacturing in the country.  Eastern CT has a growing collection of manufacturers, ranging from small to big.  These include Electric Boat and Pratt &Whitney, and they are in desperate need of skilled workers.  So, the state got a grant to train workers and help them get jobs in the manufacturing sector.  This would be perfect for me with my AS and my Depression as it would allow me to put myself wholeheartedly into my work.  Especially since there is a drafting and design component which would allow me to utilize my technical skills and be a little creative in my work.

Ihate to leave teaching, but the education sector is no longer about helping the kids to learn, and moved towards pusing the kids through a "cookie cutter"education.  Schools no longer help the kids where they are, based on their strength and weaknesses, and help them be creative in solving problems, but try to force them, one and all, into a mold so they all come out the same.  I no longer feel comfortable teaching kids, since as a teacher, I am expected to force them to be the same as all their peers.  And, given my own difficulties and differences, this is not something that I am able to do.  I have always told them that I teach real life, and real life is not that everyone is the same as their peers, but that we are all different.  Especially those with Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism, where they are as different from their peers as a person can get!  Ino longer love the education system, and am leaving my teaching career behind.

Today, I've made a decision...

...and it's not one that I made quickly.  In fact, it's been coming for a LONG TIME.  I have decided that it is no longer worth it being a teacher.  I have spent the year in one long-term sub spot after another, and at two of the four schools I've been at, I've had issues with the administration.  One school, they didn't like the pace at which I was teaching.  I had spent a couple of days playing math Jeopardy to get the kids ready for tests and quizzes, and the principal told me that she was hearing from a number of parents about how their kids weren't learning anything.  However, I had just heard the night before from parents (at the school's Open House night) about how much their kids liked my class, and how they were getting so much out of it.  Needless to say, for the next 6 weeks, I was on pins and needles, and every time the phone rang in my classroom, I got nervous, thinking that the principal was on the other end of the line to tell me, "We've decided to let you go."  I was so happy when the teacher got back from her maternity leave.

Then, after a month off, I was interviewed by another school, when a math teacher went out on medical leave.  I was at the school for 3 months, but heard mostly good things from administration.  Even if there was a criticism about something that had happened, they always made sure to mention the positive as well as the negative.  This, if anything, made me feel at home at this school.  It was the best 3 months of the year for me.

Now, I have been at a third school in another long-term sub spot teaching math.  I keep hearing from other teachers, as well as students, how much the kids love having my class.  Unfortunately, I had a dressing down from administration about the kids' behavior in one of my classes.  The administrator basically said, "(This) is what I heard, and I wouldn't accept that from a daily sub, much less a long term sub.  If you don't fix whatever you did, I'll have to find someone else for the rest of the year.  I don't want to, but I'll do it if I have to."  Needless to say, this upset me a bit, but I tried to deal with it gracefully, and told him that I would try my best.  Then, I asked for some suggestions about another class, and was told, "I wouldn't know, since I have never observed that class," (not like he saw the other class he was talking to me about...), "But, you must have done something to make those kids believe they could act up, so you have to fix it."

Now, here I am, a teacher with 16 years experience teaching math and science, some kids who had Asperger's Syndrome, and I regularly hear from parents, kids and other faculty how much they enjoy having me as a teacher.  Yet, I cannot find a permanent position because the union rules state that I must be paid the equivalent of two brand new teachers, fresh out of school.  I am also being dressed down about my classroom management as a long term sub.  Add to that the fact that long term subs get paid so little...

ASIDE: Most districts pay long term subs the per diem rate that they would pay a first year teacher, which, in CT, is about $210-$250 per day.  However, out of the 3 Long Term Sub spots I have had this year, and one from last year, half of the districts pay much less.  One district limited the pay to 60% of the first year salary for the first 20 days (1 month) of teaching), and the one I am in now is paying only $135 per day (or about the same amount of money I would have been making as a math tutor in a district - or one and a half times the daily sub rate).  Needless to say, I am not making enough to support my family...

Everywhere, I hear about the shortage of teachers we have, and especially Math teachers.  I also hear about the lack of subs for the schools.  Yet, here I am with 16 years of experience, and I cannot get a job in a school because of the salary they would be forced to pay me due to the union contract.  Jobs at private & parochial schools are easier to come by, but most of these pay so much less money (due to the lack of a union in most cases), that I couldn't support my family on it.  Also, with Common Core and states pulling money out of education, many schools are cutting teachers just to remain solvent.  I have decided to leave the teaching profession - it will no longer support me or my family.  I may take a tutor position in a school, or even a paraprofessional position, since I can work less, have fewer responsibilities outside of school hours and, as a result, make more money as a private tutor as well.  I have 23 more days to get through (if the administration here doesn't get rid of me first), and then I can concentrate on getting a better position with less responsibility, as well as similar, if not higher, pay.  I think it's a shame, but public education is doomed if it continues along this path...

Thanks for sticking with me through this long rant.  And, if you hear something about a teacher in your district, ask them what they think.  They'd love to talk about it, since they really can't talk about it in there school.

Finding Out About Myself

It’s been a while since I’ve posted to this blog, but I had an epiphany tonight, and I feel the need to get it down in writing before I forget...

I am 42 years old, and was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when I was 37. The diagnosis gave me insight into my life up to that point, and I realized how much I was like the students I was teaching at the time. I had developed a lot of coping strategies to deal with my differences, and was leading a semi-successful life. However, I have had difficulty holding a job and, as a result, my family has struggled financially. I also have had problems in relating to my family, and it has caused a lot of stress between me and my wife and kids. However, despite all of this, my family is still together, and we have, at least for the time being, a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Last month, though, we received some information that has changed the way I see myself - my daughter was diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism, which is the modern equivalent to my Asperger’s Syndrome. So, she is a lot like I am, but I have noticed some differences between us. For example, my daughter is much better at socializing with others than I am. She also has many more friends than I do, and is more comfortable in large groups. I, on the other hand, even have trouble relating to my family, especially my wife, and the idea of being in a large group makes me cringe with anxiety. However, this has always seemed to me normal - I grew up in a family where my parents were home a lot, and rarely went to large gatherings. So, I always felt like my social skills weren’t too bad, and that I was just more introverted than my peers.

Today, though, I had a realization about just how poor my socialization skills are. I watch a lot of shows about vampires, and also a lot of Science Fiction. In many of these shows, there are teenage characters and young adults, and they have many social interactions in the show, as expected. In watching one of these shows, The 100, I saw how one group of main characters interacted with each other, and I realized that the way the characters behaved towards one another was totally foreign to me! I felt like an outsider observing an alien culture, and wondering how strangely they behaved towards one another, even though it was normal for them. For the first time, I really felt like I was born on the wrong planet, and I felt out of place.

I know it’s part of who I am, but I wish I could just feel emotion like everyone else. I wish I could socialize with others and not be so out of place. And, most importantly, I wish I had the same supports as my daughter will be getting! Navigating the real world is just so tiring, that I wish I could hide from the world and not come back!

Wow, I feel better now that I have gotten this out. Thanks for lending me your ear for a while!

The Educational Model of the Future

Hi, it’s Dave with another 21st Century Education blog. Today, I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind lately - the future of Public Education.
Today, I read an article in the Hartford Courant about parochial schools (schools run by churches) in Connecticut by the Roman Catholic Church. In the past four years, the number of students attending these schools has decreased from 18 thousand to 14 thousand, or about 20%. In 1965, or 50 years ago, there were 54 thousand students in these schools. The total population of school-aged children has gone up in the past 50 years, so why are these schools struggling to attract students?
It turns out that the major decrease in enrollment at the parochial schools, as well as the independent schools (aka private, non-religious schools) has been caused by students attending the charter and magnet schools. The first charter school in the country was founded in 1991, or the year I graduated from High School. Prior to that, parents had the choice of sending their kids to the public schools, the independent schools or the parochial schools. So, my parents took me to visit one of each type of school, before ultimately sending me to my public school. Now, though, parents have other options instead of just these three - charter schools and magnet schools among the choices. Here is the differences between them:
Charter Schools - run by a private organization (CMO, or Charter Management Organization); take 10% of the school’s income to pay the CMO for running the school (Management Fee); abide by the state’s laws in hiring (teachers need to have state certification), but can get permission to bypass certain laws; usually non-unionized, unless the CMO approves it (which is rare - this allows salaries to be lower); general curriculum; required to test students with state-approved standardized tests; admission to the school is (in CT, at least) by lottery; can expell students for any reason, which allows the school to keep only those students who will increase their test scores;
Magnet Schools - run by a RESC (Regional Education Service Center, or a non-profit, semi-public organization approved by the state, but not run by the government); must abide by state laws with respect to hiring; unionized (as any public school district - this allows salaries to be higher, but not quite as high as the public schools); each school has a specific curriculum which attracts certain types of students (hence the label Magnet); curriculum is based on the magnet school’s mission (i.e. art schools have an art-based curriculum); required to test students with state-approved standardized tests; admission to the school is (in CT, at least) by lottery; can expel students for any reason, which allows the school to keep only those students who will increase their test scores;
Parochial Schools - run by a church (usually Catholic); tuition-based (no funding from the state or town); lower tuition (about $5000 or less per student per year); not required to use standardized tests; non-unionized; teachers do not need to be certified by the state (hence lower salaries); design their own curriculum, usually including religion classes; admission to school based on acceptance by school or church - usually accept those who are members of the church without exception; can expel students, but usually don’t due to tuition being paid;
Independent Schools - run by a non-profit; tuition-based (no funding from the state or town); higher tuition (about $10000 or more per student per year); not required to use standardized tests; non-unionized; teachers do not need to be certified by the state (hence lower salaries); design their own curriculum; admission to school based on acceptance by school - usually accept students who are a good fit for the school; can expel students, but usually don’t due to tuition being paid;
Public Schools - run by a town or regional district; required to follow state laws regarding certification; required to test students using state-approved tests; cannot choose their students - if a child lives in the district, the school must accept them; required to support special needs students in the district, regardless of what school they attend (public, magnet or charter, only; not required for those attending parochial schools or some independent schools;

The major difference between the schools is who pays. In public districts, students are supported by the town/district taxes. Sometimes, the state will support them, but in recent years, Governor Malloy has cut funding for these schools, requiring increased local taxes and cutting of programs. In parochial and independent schools, they are supported by tuition with no state funding. This model works like the economy - the better the education, the more the tuition a family pays. Unfortunately, these schools have had to raise tuition or conolidate schools because of decreased enrollment. This has also affected the income of those working for these schools. Magnet schools are funded by the RESC, which is allowed to act as a non-profit, collecting donations and state funding. Once again, these schools have seen increasing enrollment, since they cost the families nothing to have their children attend, but decreased funding from the state has resulted in cost-cutting measures in faculty and staff, similar to the public school districts.
Charter schools, however, have the best of all worlds. Their enrollment is going up, similar to the magnet schools, resulting in increased strain on their resources. However, currently, the political climate has allowed for thier state-funding to be increased. The law allows for a payment from the state of $17000 per student. And, with the faculty and staff being non-unionized, the salaries paid by the school are much lower. Add to that the 10% that goes to the CMO (the schools are non-profit, but the CMO can be, and usually is for-profit), and we have an educational model that can allow for CMOs to make almost unlimited money. These CMO investors then can donate to election campaigns, influencing the lawmakers, which allows for more CMO-friendly laws.
It appears that the future of education lies in these publicly-funded but privately-run charter schools. It is to the point that the type of creative education I had as a child will soon be in danger of going extinct. Some charter schools are not run by CMOs, but those that are have their curriculum controlled by both the state and the investors in the CMO. If this doesn’t change, we are in danger of losing our jobs and economic power to Third World nations. We need to allow the charter schools to create their own curriculum, and not be beholden to the standarized tests that are forced upon our children every year. Until this happens, the charter school experiment will fail, but there will be no other schools for our kids to go to. We need CMOs and charter schools that allow kids to learn to love learning.
I hope to, over the next few blogs, to outline my vision for a state-approved charter school which is in charge of its own curriculum. One where students will be allowed to creatively apply their academic learning to an area of their own interest. This school, which I hope to create, is called the ACCESS School (A CATS Charter for Exceptional Student Success), and it will be based on a curriculm that allows the students to become truly “college and career ready."
Well, that’s all for now. Thanks for joining me for another 21st Century Education blog!

The time has come!

Recently, I posted about the hidden anxiety that one of my family members was dealing with, that was slowly tearing us apart at the seams and I feared, one day, would tear our family apart. Since posting it last night, I have calmed down a little, partly because blogging helps to pull my mind off of things that, otherwise would just sit there, letting me perseverate on them and dominating my thoughts. The other reason was that, once I was able to relax a little, I then got some time to think clearly about what was REALLY bothering me. Part of it is that this family member has a problem that they refuse to acknowledge, one that they insist is normal. This is a problem that I cannot fix for them, I cannot help them with, no matter what I do. I cannot make them less anxious, even if I take all of their responsibilities away from them, and this hurts me to see them suffer. The other thing about it that bothers me is that this person avoids doing things that might make them feel insecure/out of control, things like talking on the phone with people they don't know (or even those they DO know, if it might make them realize there might be a problem with them or our family). They avoid anything that might cause discomfort to themself, and they expect others to do these things for them. THIS is what bothers me.
I am a full time teacher at a private school. I regularly have after school responsibilities and activities that I need to do. Yet, our family is regularly in financial duress. You would think that this person might, as an adult in the family, go out and search for a job, even a part time one that they could do during the day, when the kids are in school. It would bring in some needed cash, and possibly even help us through the bad economy, right?
Wrong. This person has it in their head that if they get a job, that we would have to put the kids, who are in school full time, into day care, eating up their salary plus some. To this person, it would actually COST us money for them to get a job. "Well," you might say, "the kids are in school. So day care is not required." Again, they have an answer. "But if they're sick, I'd have to stay home to take care of them, and I'd be fired." OK, that at least makes SOME sense. But WAIT,there's more. When the kids feel sick now, this person's anxiety takes over...
"You HAVE to go to school! You've been out 3 (or 5 or 10...) days already! If you don't go today, they're going to fail you!" And, no matter how often I try to talk to them, this is a very real possibility for them, as anxiety makes even the most unlikely events seem likely.
Or, what REALLY gets to me, if one of the kids feels sick, this person will sometimes say, "You CAN'T stay home! I have to do (such and such) today, " or, " I have people coming over," and "I don't want to cancel again!" This person, who uses the argument that they cannot get a job and help the family out of our financial difficulties, uses as a reason that they need to care for the kids, but when the kids need caring for, they can't be bothered to do it, or it puts them out.
"So, why don't you get a second job?" you might ask. Well, I've tried, but this person insists that would be harmful to the kids since I would not be there at night to help with homework, put them to bed, and just do general work around the house. In a number of other families I know, this is the way they work, one adult works days and the second works nights. That way, there is always one home to care for the kids. But when a second adult in the family cannot or will not work, the first one often needs to step up and pick up the slack. Yet, once again, this person's anxiety gets in the way. They can see that we are having financial problems, yet they cannot get past their anxiety related to working outside of the house, for fear that something might go wrong and one of us might lose our jobs. And they cannot allow ME to get a second job for fear that something might go wrong at night when kids are solely their responsibility. So, we struggle along financially, and they get upset when there is no money for the kids' activities or new clothes or birthday gifts.
THIS is what upsets me the most. This person's anxiety is not only mentally hurting the others in the family, but it is getting in the way of our family's financial security. Their irrational fears, which are caused by the anxiety, causes them to overcompensate, like when they will not get a job or let me get a second job, just in case something happens while I or they are at work. This then causes more problems, which their anxiety blows out of proportion, allowing them to seem bigger than they are. Then, like a snowball rolled down a mountain, these problems continue, getting bigger and bigger, until they cannot be controlled without other parts of our lives being affected.
A while ago I was diagnosed with major depression. I knew something was wrong, so I sought out help. I remember vividly what it was like. I could not function, things seemed to all be going wrong for me, so I pulled into myself and began withdrawing from the world and society. It was easy for me to do, since my Asperger's makes me comfortable with myself. This is what I imagine it is like for this person, just instead of withdrawing, they blow up at the world on a regular basis. However, whether someone withdraws from the world, like in depression, or gets anxiety attacks, or blows up at the injustice they see being done against them by everything and everyone around them, it is still just as debilitating. We need to get through this, and for me, the time has come to step up to the plate and either force them to start pulling their weight, or do it myself, regardless whether they are upset about it or not. Even if it breaks up our family, this person needs to be part of it and accept that one of us has to keep us afloat financially.
Anyway, I feel bad about this, but, as someone once said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one..." If I have to get a second job, and not be there for my kids, then so be it. Wish me luck!

The Future of Education

For those of you who don't know me, I am a STEM teacher who also has Asperger's Syndrome. I like to think that I teach things that will be helpful to kids in their lives after school. However, I don't fool myself that everything I teach will be useful to the kids, or that all the subject matter that I teach will be helpful to them in real life. Take pre-calculus, for example. Most kids, unless they become engineers or something similar, will never use things like that in their lives. I mean, who in their right minds has ever needed to know the standard formula for an ellipse when doing their grocery shopping? This attitude has helped me immensely when teaching. Students see me as a realist and, when they ask me a question like, "What will I use this for?" which is a common question in math classes, I give them an honest answer like, "Nothing, really, but the problem solving skills might just help you one day!"

The other part of my job is as a Learning Specialist. A part of this job, it is my responsibility to assist students with learning how to learn, or, to put it another way, to help students figure out how their brain works, and find out strategies that they can use to help them learn better and figure out the world around them. So, in this job, it is my responsibility to help students work their way through the school curriculum, and become successful academically as we'll as socially. I also see it as part of my job to help introduce new tools and techniques to my fellow teachers that can help them in helping the students to become lifelong learners. Ultimately, I believe that, for every teacher I can help with additional tools to help the struggling learners, the number of people who can be helped becomes exponential.

Which brings me to my topic for the day. As an educator, I need to constantly question myself, "Is what I'm teaching today going to help my students in real life? What is the purpose to teaching them...(Functions, ellipses, Shakespeare, whatever the topic may be)?" If the answer is, "Because I have to," or, "It's in the curriculum," then maybe you should rethink the topic. Everything I teach should be for a reason, one that benefits the students in their lives, not just because someone or something said it was important for them to know.

Today, I was working with a student on a math topic, trying to find a way to get him to really understand a concept. I was finally able to do that with him, and when I asked him about his other classes, I found out that he wasn't doing well reading a work of Shakespeare. In looking at the weekly reports, his English teacher stated that he wasn't retaining anything from the play. So, I talked to him about the play, asking him what he though his problem was. Now, some kids don't think at a high enough level to respond to a question like that, but I've been working with him all year, and I have helped him to see how he thinks and how he learns. He realized that the language was an issue for him and that, "...even with the other words on the next page..." he was spending so much time trying to understand the words (which he couldn't), that he wasn't getting anything else. So we looked online and found a website with a more modern, conversational English translation for him to try. By the end of our time, he said it was much better and that he was able to understand not only the words, but the story as well. WIN for him, right? I thought so, BUT...

I e-mailed to the faculty, thinking that this was too great a resource to pass up. "Maybe it can help other students who are failing (like my student is) retain more of the story and understand it better," I thought. Well, almost immediately after I hit SEND, I got a reply from his English teacher saying that WE English teachers frown on this site since the language is the important part of Shakespeare, and if they need to work through it, then so be it. And, to make matters worse, this teacher responded to the faculty e-mail list, which was like a slap to my face.

So, what IS the point to teaching Shakespeare? Is it the language? Is it the style (tragedy, comedy, etc.)? If it's the language, why not have classes in 9th grade in Shakespearean English? BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE LANGUAGE! In my view, the point to teaching Shakespeare is to learn to appreciate a different type of literature. I feel that we need to reevaluate our curriculum, and those of us who teach because it's part of the curriculum, need to rethink our careers. Our world is changing, and we are, as I once heard in a talk on Learning and the Brain, "We are using an antiquated model to teach our kids for an advanced world. The educational model is closed-book, yet the WORLD is OPEN-book!" Knowledge is no longer the mark of an educated person, it is the problem solvers, the information creators that will be viewed as the educated people of the future. We, as educators, need to help our students get there, and it will not be through the curriculum of our generation.

What I'm Thankful For

Most of the time that I blog, it's because I need to process something that happened to me. My Asperger's and my difficulty interpreting emotions makes writing about things help me work it through my brain so that I can logically figure out what happened and how I should have handled the situation differently, if at all. Today's post is not different, but instead of trying to process what just happened, I am trying to relax my churning, internal emotional state by focusing on the positive things I have in my life.

I am thankful for my kids. They are always so full of love, and have no difficulty sharing that love with others, especially those they see as hurting. There have been times when I have been stressed or down on myself, and my kids seem to be able to sense it. They come to cuddle with me, or tell me jokes, and don't leave me until I know that I am loved.

I am thankful for my wife. She might frustrate the heck out of me at times, but I care for her deeply. My life might be less stressful if she was less emotional about things, but I don't know if we would have clicked like we do. Plus, she is so passionate about everything she does, and she keeps me in touch with the rest of the social world. If it wasn't for her, I would probably be a lonely hermit living in a cave with no friends!

I am thankful for all of my friends. They are there for me when my Asperger's shows up, and are not afraid to tell me what it really looks like. They know I might be upset in the moment, but that I will get over it, and that i will take their advice to heart. My occasional brusqueness and to-the-pointedness never seems to put them off, and they always remain my friends.

I am thankful for my dog, Leo. He is always aware of what I am feeling, and refuses to leave me alone when I am upset or hurting. For example, today while I was putting up the lights on the Christmas tree, it wasn’t going my way. Things kept falling, I almost knocked the tree over, and other things that, like every year, give me the idea that I should just give up on trying and become that hermit with no family or friends. Leo sensed my upset (or maybe he heard me cursing at the tree), and he came over to me to be pet. He refused to leave my side until I had calmed down.

If I focus on what I am thankful for, maybe I can start to see the world in new ways, and it won’t look so bleak and dreary anymore.

The Changing Model of Education

Since the mid-1980s, there has been a cry heard from businessmen, politicians and those who rule the American society that our schools are failing.  People have blamed it on a lot of things, bad teachers, poor curricula, poverty, etc., but whatever its cause, this cry has resulted in one thing.  Students in our schools have become some of the most tested in the world, and this year a new test is being rolled out in dozens of states across the Union.  Whether it is called the PARCC or the SBAC, this test will tell our kids and our families just what they are designed to tell them - that our kids are not getting a decent education and that we need to support new initiatives in education, such as the corporate education movement.

Unfortunately, this is a lie of the worst kind.  Since the 1980s, and especially since No Child Left Behind, our leaders have focused on getting all students up to the same level of proficiency.  Once a child is there, they are no longer cared about.  Creativity, which will be the savior of America, is not promoted in these tests.  Students are told to solve a problem using this method or that, they are being taught non-fiction in Language Arts class.  No longer are the days of reading fiction for enjoyment.  No longer are they days of solving a problem in a unique and new way praised by others.  We have become a nation like those seen in The Hunger Games or Divergent, where everyone needs to fit in and no one can be different.  Those that are become shunned and put out, or, to use a term from Divergent, they become factionless and shunned by all.

Unfortunately, with the movement of more menial jobs out of America, where labor is cheaper since cost of living is cheaper, gone are the days of learning a basic trade that requires conformity with the same standards day in and day out.  Today, as well as in the future, our economy will be based on creative ways of solving problems.  Yet, our schools, due to this culture of incessant testing, has not focused on promoting creativity and different ways of thinking and problem solving, but instead concentrated on getting all students to pass the same test based on the same methods promoted from the same standards.  Our schools, through our politician-dominated boards of education and our politically-minded administrators, have promoted a one-size-fits-all approach to educating out kids.  Shove them all into the same mold and they will all come out the same.  Don't allow them to go beyond the standards, and they will never approach problems creatively.

Maybe we need to rethink our idea of education.  Instead of trying to fit in with the rest of the world and educating our kids like other countries do, maybe, just maybe, we need to teach our kids differently.  Maybe we need to be unique, take away the standardized tests from our kids and let them be creative in their learning.  Maybe every student needs an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), not just those with special needs.  We need to fix education for the better and take the politicians and businessmen out of the educational system.  Until we do, our kids will always be caught in a failing system.

The Lie of Charter Schools

I have been a math, science and technology teacher for 14 years, mostly in private schools, and have seen a lot of "stuff" go on, but one thing has been true throughout all of the schools I have taught at.  The teachers have all gone into teaching because of a love for education and a desire to help students learn.  Administrators at the schools I have taught at were always former teachers, so were always cut from that same cloth.  However, there WAS one exception...there was one year that I taught at a charter school.

That year, I interviewed at this school over the summer and the head of curriculum told me that he was impressed with my ability to teach a wide variety of subjects.  When I asked about the benefits, he was full of praise for the health benefits, but when I asked about the salary, he paused for a moment.

"Well," he started, grinning sheepishly, "I'm not the head of HR, but normally we start teachers based on their years of public school experience, and you have all private school experience." (I had ten years under my belt at the time.)  "However, I'm sure we can get you credit for half of that experience and start you on step 5." 

And so, I went home, certain that I would start at least at a salary I could support my family on.  Instead, when I signed my contract, I was told by the head of HR, "We have to start you on Step 1 because the union makes us base your salary on public school experience."  Then, I picked up extra classes, so was teaching 8 sections of classes (out of a 10 period school day), but wasn't even full time (I was 3/4 time), making so little money that I was eligible for food stamps and unemployment.  My kids were on reduced price school lunch, and my house went into foreclosure.

When I got involved with the union, I found out that there was NO union policy about starting me based on public school experience, and that I should have started based on my full 10 years experience.  So, when I had the union bring it up to the head of HR, they agreed, saying that my next contract would show the change.

Two weeks later, as I was searching the job postings for the following year, I found a post for my position; it was April.  Then, on the last day of school in June, I was grading the last of my finals and putting my grades in the computer.  I had already cleaned out my desk and found another job, telling my students that I was unsure if the school was planning on bringing me back and saying goodbye to them.  As I finished my grading, the principal came into my classroom.

"Oh, I'm glad I caught you.  The administration has decided not to renew your contract, but I'm sure you expected that.  You can turn in your laptop on your way out."  And with that, she turned and left my classroom.

Our charter schools and the people in charge of them don't seem to care about the teachers in their employ.  All they DO seem to care about is the number of students they can attract to their schools and the amount of money they can funnel to the corporations that convince the politicians to allow them to create them.  These politicians then get nice fat donations from these corporations and the profiteers running them so they can stay in their elected positions.

We need to bring education and educational policy back under the control of the teachers, the parents and those who really care about the kids in the system.  We need to take the money out of education and make it, once again, a public right and good, as it was originally intended to be

The Cost of Education Reform

CCCS: a set of “standards” that define what students should be able to accomplish at the completion of each grade level in Language Arts and Mathematics.  Approved by politicians (but not educators, who had no say in the matter) in 43 states and the District of Columbia, these standards have become the law of the land, and on July 1, 2012, these states began requiring their teachers to assess students proficiency on each grade-level standard.  Then, on July 1, 2013, two federally-funded testing coalitions rolled out standardized tests to assess students as to where they fell according to those standards.  (Now, being a math teacher with a math degree, this is statistically backwards, telling teachers to assess students on standards with no assessments to be able to assess their proficiency with, then rolling out standardized tests without knowing where the average student would fall on each question, thus having no ability to identify grade-appropriate questions to asses the students with…but I digress.  The point was to make people in these testing coalitions, and companies that force test prep programs on public schools, money, which it did…)

Other than the problems of rolling out untested standards that were not research-based, teachers that were given no materials or even curricula with which to teach the new standards, and tests that had no norms associated with them that were based on research and trial runs, there was a MAJOR flaw with the tests.  The CCSS included standards that required that student be taught to think at higher levels and be able to argue their points, using evidence and logical arguments to come up with reasonable solutions.  These tests, being primarily multiple choice questions, are not able to assess these higher level thinking skills or reasoning abilities.  Additionally, each test required extensive new technology for each district to purchase, often costing up to 10X more per student to administer and score each test than the previous (and just as ineffective), subjectively scored state-designed tests required under NCLB.  Now, schools are spending more money to assess their students, with no more effective tests, on testing websites that are (as I found out this fall) often down or not functioning, requiring more time to be devoted to testing, and taking up more precious teaching time.

Add to all this the push from politicians to “improve” our urban schools.  The politicians’ (flawed) theory goes this way:

1. Give charters to corporations that put forth a proposal on how they plan to educate students “better;”
2. Promote these charter schools with public tax money, convincing parents that their kids can get a better education at these schools;
3. Let these schools choose the students they accept, typically the high-fliers, pulling the good students out of the neighborhood schools;
4. Require the districts give more tax money to these schools, through voucher or “Money Follows the Child” programs, taking more money away from the district public schools,
5. Require the neighborhood public schools to STILL pay for the higher proportion of special education and behavioral problem students they now have, lowering the scores on the tests, without the benefit of those students who would score higher;
6. The charter schools then end up: renting space, paying for business services, and putting money into the for-profit corporations that set them up in the first place, all the while paying lower salaries without the added benefits of unions, professional development or other benefits that would go with the collective bargaining.

The charter school movement often benefits the corporations and “reformers” at the expense of the public schools and the students at the school, but perform no better than the public schools they wish to replace.

So, we have standards that cannot be accurately assessed by multiple choice, standardized tests.  Our public school districts are paying tax money to test students, even students who attend charter schools, for ineffective tests.  Our public school districts, especially our urban districts, are ending up with a higher proportion of special education students and low performers, which results in more money spent supporting students AND consequences ranging in funding penalties and more testing when their students “fail to have adequate yearly progress.”  Yet our politicians, bureaucrats and businesses get rich pushing new standards, new tests, new textbooks, new educational programs and new charter schools.

We as a people need to stand up for the rights of our kids.  Education has become a multimillion dollar industry when it used to be a right for every child.  The “education reformers” have preyed on our desire to do the best for our children, but we need to ask ourselves, “Do these politicians and bureaucrats REALLY have our children’s interests at heart?”  As a teacher and a parent, I have seen firsthand that they do not.  They have their OWN interests at heart, and would trample their own kids if it would make them an extra dollar.  I once listened to the headmaster at my school refer to a student as “…having a dollar sign over his head.”  (He has an MBA and is active in politics in our town.)  THIS is how these people our kids, as big dollar signs.  It is the teachers and parents who can be the real education reformers, not the profiteers and bureaucrats.  We who really care about our kids and their futures.  When we take politics and profit out of education, and return it to the hands of those who REALLY care, we can change education for the better.  Until then, the politicians will continue to create laws guided by the profiteers who wish to line their pockets through public education tax dollars, and we will see worse results with our increased taxes and expenditures.  This is our future, unless we step up and force the change that needs to be!

A Different Type of Diagnosis

I recently attended a meeting where a Special Education director asked me, as someone with a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, whether I was upset that the diagnosis was "disappearing" with the release of the DSM-5.  I had to think about it before answering - I hadn't really given it much thought.  Since my diagnosis three years ago (at 37), I have always viewed myself as an Aspie, or having a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome.  However, that, to me, is only a label that has been placed on me by the observation of my behaviors or, more importantly, how my behaviors have exhibited themselves at different stages of my life.  No matter what label is placed on me because of those behaviors, I am different from those around me.  Any changes that the APA makes to the DSM cannot make me change that view of myself, whether I am Asperger's or Autistic or Socially Inept.  It will not change who I am or how I deal with my differences.

So, to get back to my story, I told her that, despite not being a major category of diagnosis, it will still be a subtype diagnosis, it's just that it will be under a different major title, that of Autism Spectrum Disabilities.  This, however, is not completely how I feel about it.  Let me elaborate...

The DSM has been the standard tool for diagnosing psychological differences for decades.  Compiled and published by the American Psychological Association (APA), this manual provides the codes which all types of organizations, from educational institutions to insurance companies, use for billing and organizing people into categories in which they fit best.  Providers of services have also used the DSM diagnoses to determine the most appropriate treatment for different disorders, be it psychological or pharmaceutical, or some combination of the two.  For example, under the DSM-IV-R, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.  However, the diagnosis criteria is all behavioral in nature.  For example, when I received my diagnosis, I met the following criteria:

• DSM-IV DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ASPERGER'S DISORDER
  (criteria I met are in italics)
  A.Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
  
  (1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
  (2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
  (3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
  (4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
  
  B.Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
  
  (1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
  (2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
  (3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
  (4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
  
  C.The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
  
  D.There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
  
  E.There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
  
  F.Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

However, these criteria are all based on how I was behaving at the time.  When I was undergoing my diagnosis, I was having difficulty at work, and the stress was exacerbating the presentation of these symptoms.  Two years later, I was in a job where I was appreciated and my stress levels were extremely low.  That means that, had I not sought therapy when I did, my behaviors would never have warranted a diagnosis of Asperger's.  Does that mean that in the past two year my Asperger's has gone away?  No, it's just under the surface.  It's still a part of who I am, but I just blend in with others much better now since I am under much less stress than I was three years ago.

And that, my friends, is why I am upset with the APA's decision to reclassify Asperger's  Syndrome, along with a ton of other psychological disorders in the DSM-5.  Asperger's Syndrome might share similarities with Autistic Disorder and other Pervasive Developmental Disorders, especially in the behaviors that those with AS/Autistic Disorder/PDD-NOS exhibit.  However, the treatment for these three disorders, along with most of the DSM-5 diagnoses cannot be entirely based on the behaviors that one exhibits.  That would be like treating someone who was limping with surgery to remove a bone chip form their knee (which may or may not exist).  Not all behaviors (limping, lack of social or emotional reciprocity) have the same cause.

So, then, how do we learn to treat people with psychological disorders?  Well, when the DSM-5 (which will be released and become effective on May 18), was announced and it's diagnosis criteria were released, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) announced that the APA's insistence on basing diagnoses on behaviors rather than focusing on finding biological markers for these disorder was creating validity problems with the DSM.  They announced that they would be focusing their research efforts on their new RDoC:

The NIMH has launched the Research Domain Criteria (RDoC) project to transform diagnosis by incorporating genetics, imaging, cognitive science, and other levels of information to lay the foundation for a new classification system. 

The RDoC will hopefully replace the DSM in the future.  It will be a blessing for those who wish to have better mental health services for the population, but it may be a death knell for the pharmaceutical industry.  To have a diagnosis like ADHD have a biological marker that might have a simple medicinal treatment, all these meds that are now prescribed might be found to be useless.  However, for those of us who have been diagnosed with Asperger's, we will probably find that all the medications people have been prescribed for conditions similar to ADD, ADHD, and other co-morbid conditions have a negative effect on us.

I might be wrong.  The DSM-5 might be a good thing, but the way it diagnoses through behaviors is not the way medicine should work.  We need to create a biological way to diagnose psycholgical disorders, like the NIMH's RDoC.

Anxiety Rears its Ugly Head

Now, I am not one to admit this, but I sometimes get anxiety.  I HATE the fact that I sometimes feel anxious - I always like to think of myself as a calm, level-headed guy, but I am not always like that.  Plus, it's not enough to interfere with my daily functioning.  Not to say that it doesn't interfere, just that compared to my other issues (i.e. my depression, my Asperger's, my social issues), the level to which my anxiety affects my daily functioning is miniscule.  However, I got an e-mail last night that has me feeling anxious, and it makes me want to avoid doing anything today.

Now, growing up with Asperger's, I often saw things around me differently than others did.  I never felt the same way that others did, my sense of humor was different, I was more creative than many of my peers and had single areas in which I was interested, and they were NEVER the same as my peers.  I was often told by others that I saw things in the wrong way, or that my perspective was warped.  So, as a result, I came to question when people wanted to talk to me about things, not telling me what they were about first.  What did I do?  Am I in trouble?  What's wrong now?

As I got older, I began to not care about what people thought of me.  "I do the best I can," I'd say to myself.  "If people don't like it, or who I am, then to Hell with them!"  As I got into the workforce, I thought the same thing about my job.  If my boss asked me to do something, I did the best I could.  If it wasn't good enough, then I tried to do better, but I realized that some people are impossible to please.  So, if my best was still not good enough, then too bad.  This doesn't mean that I didn't want feedback or help in getting better, but mostly that sometimes when I asked for help, I wasn't given any.

THEN, I began to work at a school where they were very supportive of the teachers.  I wasn't told to figure out things for myself, and if something happened, I was told about it as soon as possible, rather than weeks/months/years later.  But, still, every time someone comes to me and says, "We need to meet," I get anxious about it.  I spent so much of my life thinking about what I had done wrong and how I was going to be "punished" for it, that I have little faith in those around me.  I am slowly trying to work out that scar tissue and heal the mistrust and lack of help that marked my past (at a school which is supposed to HELP people with Asperger's learn to get by in the world, but yet they weren't willing to help me  because, as an adult, I "...should already KNOW how to do things" - figure THAT ONE out!).

I like to think of myself as not being an anxious person, but I am human.  Anxiety and stress are part of the life of every person.  What we can control is how much that anxiety controls our lives and what we do.  I try not to let it control my life, but every once in a while, it shows up and can halt my normal functioning.  In these instances, I need to learn (and the learning curve is steep!) to not let it get to me.

So, I started this post this morning, when I had gotten my notice of a meeting, and one that was important at that.  But, it all turned out for the best, and I feel that this person was really out to help me become a better teacher, not, like others in the past, to punish me for some sort of transgression.  My anxiety got in the way, for about 18 hours between the e-mail and my meeting, but I powered through it and now feel like I have people looking out for me, which is a wonderful feeling - one which I haven't had in a long, LONG time!

Until next time!

Dave

"A Robot without Emotion"

I haven't written in a while, over two months, and, other than keeping myself busy at work, I can't think of WHY I haven't written.  I have really wanted to sit down and write a few times, but usually let myself get caught up in something else and the urge to blog went away again.  It's probably due to the fact that if I'm upset, writing helps me to process my feelings, and, having (self-diagnosed) alexithymia, in addition to my Asperger's,  I have difficulty interpreting my own emotions.  Time also accomplishes this same goal, and I think that in the past couple of months, I was able to process my feelings when I was upset by withdrawing into myself and figuring out what had upset me so that I could logically deal with it.  It's similar to how Mr. Spock (and all Vulcans) deal with emotion by internalizing and allowing themselves time to logically process it. So, I haven't had to write to get out my feelings in a while.

However, I am back to my blog this time.  Something happened recently that really got to me.  I withdrew into myself and tried to process it, and was able to do it.  But, unlike other times, instead of the processing helping me to get over it, it resulted in my becoming more upset.  I am not able to process this logically to resolve it for myself, primarily due to the fact that it lies, not within myself, but in how someone else sees me, which is something I cannot change.  Normally, I would not give two hoots about what someone thinks about me.  Even my closest friends, if they don't like something I did or how I am acting, I would have no difficulty telling them to go to Hell.  Once again, this time it was different - this person's impression of me REALLY MATTERED, and I can't let it go!

As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, I am used to people misinterpreting the fact that Aspies just have trouble expressing emotion in the same way that neurotypicals do.  This often results in NTs thinking that Aspies, and others on the spectrum, don't actually have emotions.  I am used to explaining to them this misconception, as well as my theory that our emotional response to things is either full on (meltdown) or full off (no visible response at all), rarely in between.  However, this person was upset one day and insisted on talking to me on my cell phone while I was driving.  I patiently listened to them while they were ranting, letting them get it all out, while I was trying to navigate through the rush hour Hartford traffic.  When they began to calm down and paused, I suggested that they call their therapist, since there was nothing I could do to help, especially since I was currently driving and didn't wish a ticket (or worse!).

Now, THIS is where it got to me.  This person blew up all over again, claiming that they needed to talk to someone, and that our relationship meant that person was me.  Also they said that their therapist was not there for them just ANY OLD TIME, but only when they had an appointment, and they weren't going to bother their therapist for something that they should be able to talk to me about.  "Plus," they said, "it's not my fault that you are a robot with no emotion!  You're supposed to be there for me, not pawning me off on someone else since you can't deal with my emotion!"  After about five minutes of this, with both of us yelling back & forth, we finally got off the phone.

Now, this really bothered me.  Here I was, driving through nasty traffic, and this person needed to vent to get something off their chest.  So, they let it all out on me, without any interference from me - all I did was listen.  Then, when I tried to suggest something else that might further help them deal with the issue, they got even more upset, hitting me with my Asperger's.  Now, I have been close to this person for 20 years, and they know about my quirks, including my Asperger's.  But to use my AS to attack me because they were upset was completely uncalled for.  Also, this isn't the first time this has happened.  I have often tried to explain to this person that I actually have emotions, but have difficulty expressing them.  After twenty years of knowing this person, the last fifteen intimately, they still don't get me, no matter how much I try to explain it to them.  I care about this person greatly, and my sole reason for existing the past 15 years was to make sure they were happy.  They haven't been happy for years, and no matter what I have done, this person still can't see the good things in their life.

For the last 12 years, I have been there for this person.  I have dealt with my own depression, my own Asperger's and my own social issues, and tried to keep my family afloat financially and emotionally.  Yet, this person can't see everything that has been done for them.  All they see is what has gone wrong and how their life is not the way they want it to be.  For 15 years, I have been there absorbing all their grief and anxiety in the hopes that they might see the good things in their life, but to no avail.  I even have the feeling that my alexithymia got more developed as a defense mechanism so that I could deal with the stress of two people instead of just myself.  If anything, I have become a "Robot Without Emotion" so that I could take on the emotion of two people without it tearing me apart.  Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me over 15 years, as well as the others who have to deal with this person.

Now, I am sitting here, and I know I have to do something.  Having the stress of two people to deal with will slowly drag me back into a depressive state, and that is not something I can deal with.  I have the feeling that if I go back there, that I might not return from it.  Plus, I have few people to talk to about it, and even those that I DO have, I can't talk to on a regular basis.  The only things I can do will just cause more stress for those that I care for and isolate me from them.  Yet, I need to keep pushing forward, living day to day and trying to get by the best I can.

Until next time.

Dave

"What’s wrong with you?!"

Alexithymia is defined as the "...inability to identify and describe emotions in the self." (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia) for a brief overview on the condition. Many people with Aspergers Syndrome are described as lacking empathy and lacking feeling, including myself, but this is, as I have said before, rarely the case. The feelings are there, we just have trouble associating these emotions to others and identifying them in others. Also, those with Aspergers often have emotions, we just have difficulty relating to them when others express them. In the words of the immortal Mr. Spock, "They are just not logical."

I have wondered, however, if my own difficulties with emotions is because of my Aspergers, which is very mild according to my "supports" and my family, or due to the co-morbid existence of Alexithymia. I often do not recognize emotions in others except through explicit signs (crying, sniffling, explicitly telling me, etc.). Also, I have difficulty identifying, in myself, when I am experiencing an emotion, much less identifying which emotion I am experiencing. In fact, I never used to understand emotions at all, and until my Aspergers' diagnosis 2.5 years ago, I just described myself as, "not having any emotions at all."

Yet, something happened this morning that really made me consider what was really going on with me. Is my apparent lack of emotion, and inability to control emotions due to my Aspergers Syndrome or an undiagnosed case of Alexithymia? This morning, I heard of the passing of someone dear to a number of people whom I am close to. This person, whom many people in the room had known for many years, was one of the kindest, most sincere, caring, TRUE people that I have met in my entire life. I only had known them for a year, but many of those in the room had known this person for upwards of 20 years. There was, of course, a lot of sadness in the room. Yet, I was only able to identify this emotion due to the auditory and visual clues of those around me. I felt no emotional response to this news, despite the fact that I had known this person. My only response was to close my eyes and do some deep breathing. Later, I spoke to someone to verify that this was (1) an appropriate response to this news and (2) that I was not just some sort of monster.

This was a lot like other times in my life when people close to me passed away. My grandfathers passed away when I was 9 and 29. When the second one passed away, everyone at the school I was teaching at expressed their sympathy, but I could not identify exactly what I was feeling. It took my wife and my co-workers pointing out that I was walking around in a fog, and seemed "out of it" for three weeks before I recognized that something was wrong, but I still could not identify that it was sadness. I suffer from depression - it took me a long time to identify something was wrong, but it was my actions rather than my feelings that told me there was a problem. I thought, though, the fatigue was because of a physical illness, not emotional. In college, I broke up with a girlfriend and spent hours convincing her it was OK, having no emotional response to the charged situation - that is until I woke up crying at 3:00 AM, not knowing that I was upset about it until then.

So, in looking into it, I have realized that I am both an Aspie and Alexithymic, however both of these conditions are, as far as I can tell, mild. My Aspergers is mild enough that it is difficult to notice it unless I am stressed out. My Alexithymia is, in my opinion, mild, since I do not exhibit at least one of the symptoms of it:

1. difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal
2. difficulty describing feelings to other people
3. constricted imaginal processes, as evidenced by a scarcity of fantasies
4. a stimulus-bound, externally oriented cognitive style.

I fit into categories 1, 2, and 4, but not 3. People have told me that I am creative and imaginative. This is partly because, due to my Aspergers, I can see the world differently than other people. This unique perspective gives me ideas that others might not have thought of. However, I rarely fantasize about things. I am a realist, a real-world Mr. Spock.

On the other hand, I DO have emotions, I just have difficulty recognizing them. And, whether is it neurological, like my Aspergers, or psychological due to holding down my extreme emotions, I don't know. Plus, as my friend said when I spoke with her, this is just "...part of who (I am), and that's OK." I never really had responses to things like this, and I should look at this as allowing me to "...steady the ship in times of turbulence." Sometimes, it makes me feel like an anchor making it even more unbalanced and, on occasion, "swamping the canoe," but I think I need to look on the bright side of things.

So, I will take this time to reflect on my issues and try to make lemonade out of the lemons of my life, Alexithymia and all!

It’s the Little Things

You know, it's the littlest things that often affect us the most. Kind of like in War of the Worlds where the germs kill off the Martians that mankind can't even hurt! Recently, I went to an audiologist for a hearing test. I've had tinnitus for years, a result of listening too loudly to my music while mowing the lawn as a teen, and I'd noticed that I'd been having difficulty hearing people adequately. At least, that's what my wife said - I'm not sure it wasn't selective hearing :-) However, I did hear an increase in the "volume" of the tinnitus. My first visit to the audiologist back in March, I was unable to get the hearing test done due to blocked ears. 'Maybe that's why I'm having difficulty hearing,' I thought. Well, I got my ears cleaned out, and found no change in my hearing. So, I went back in July to the audiologist and found out that my hearing was degrading in both ears at higher frequencies. This was, in my left ear, at the borders of acceptable hearing, although a little more decline and I would "officially" have a hearing loss in that ear. In my right ear, I "officially" had mild sensoneural hearing loss at higher frequencies.

In discussing the results with the doctor, she asked about the results. Some people have mild hearing loss, like I do, and it really bothers them. I seem to fit into this category. Others have such severe hearing loss that, in her words, "...it's amazing they don't seem to notice it." In my case, how is my mild hearing loss in one ear and borderline loss in the other ear affecting me? Well, first and foremost, I have trouble hearing people. This results in my not responding on occasion when people speak to me, especially if I am not looking at them. Additionally, if the speaker is female, or a child, their voices tend to be in higher registers, therefore I am less likely to hear them (hence the supposed 'selective hearing' of my wife). This then causes some people to get upset at me, thinking I am ignoring them (like my wife), causing tempers to flair and (with my difficulty controlling my own emotions) on the rare occasion, causing a blowup.

So, WHY is a MILD hearing loss affecting me so severely? Well, it turns out that this is probably a result of my Aspergers Syndrome. Discussing my AS with the audiologist, she hypothesized that with my AS, it takes me a little time to process things that people say to me, especially with my social skills issues (lack of Theory of Mind). This delay was not noticeable when I was younger, since I heard them fine, and so even with the processing delay, no one, not even me, noticed that it took me a millisecond or two longer to respond appropriately. However, now it takes me time for my brain to decipher what it heard. Added to the processing delay, there is now a noticeable delay in responding appropriately, causing me to (subconsciously) get upset (as well as other people) with my inability to react to people.

In thinking about this, it also explains a couple of other issues my wife has noticed. She has told me that I have changed since we've met. First, I used to socialize more when we first met and got married. Now, she says I don't socialize as much, and when I go with the family to parties and get-togethers, I often "go hide," in her words. I think that this is true, but now I think that my frustration with hearing people causes me to avoid that large group interaction more than when I was younger. Being in a group of people, not only is it more difficult to hear someone who is interacting with me, but the extraneous discussion and music around me causes even more delay in processing what I've heard! So, subconsciously, I've grown to dislike larger gatherings, and even avoid them.

Also, my wife says that she has to explain herself to me much more frequently than she used to. This frustrates her to no end. I used to just understand what she was asking, in fact, we used to complete each other's sentences. Now that I think about it, if I am having difficulty hearing and processing what she is saying to me, I tend to repeat what is being said in the form of a question (you know, kind of like Jeopardy "So, I need to do this, right?").

So, despite my knowledge of Aspergers from both having it and working with students who have it for 11 years, I am still learning about how it affects adults, and myself in particular. The affects of aging of those with Aspergers, especially those in whom it was not diagnosed in childhood since they were high-functioning enough in school for it to not affect their education (hence the IDEA law did not affect them) seems to be exponentially difficult, creating mountains out of what seem to be anthills. In me, this can be seen in my mild hearing loss and its affects on my social and family life.

This is also an effect of our societal avoidance of differences. If I had not noticed the change in my hearing, I would not have recognized the cause for a number of my issues. Yet, we as a society, tend to avoid being labelled as "abnormal," and try to avoid seeking diagnoses. Both my Aspergers and hearing loss are aspects of my health that are making me who I am and causing me to change how I am perceived by others. By getting these diagnoses, I am on my way to being more accepted, and understood, rather than just being labelled as a "Grumpy Old Man" and a "Hermit-Loner."

Until next time - Dave

Finding Myself

Being an Aspie, I find that I have some major strengths.  I often see the world through a unique lens and, as a result, I can come up with very creative, off-the-wall solutions to problems.  It can also help in my teaching.  I am able to merge multiple subjects in my teaching, even ones that don't seem to go together really well.  I have taught classes in geoarchaeology, scientific paranormal research, and all kinds of weird and wonderful topics.
I also have a number of weak areas being on the autism spectrum.  When put into a social situation, I am like a fish with a bicycle.   I have trouble with emotion - I have difficulty identifying my own emotions (it's called Alexithymia) - when someone I am close to (i.e. a friend or family member) is upset, I REALLY can't deal with it!  Luckily for me, I don't exhibit the Aspie meltdowns - the going from 0 to 10 with an inability to calm oneself down.  I spent much of my childhood and adolescence trying to learn those calming techniques and, as a result, I don't really "meltdown" anymore.  So, despite all of my flaws and weaknesses, I have some pretty unique strengths.
However, recently, I have been seeing the world through a half-empty glass.  For much of the past decade, I have struggled with depression which, in turn, has caused me to have a negative outlook on humanity, and life in general.  I lost sight of a lot of what I cared about, and started seeing what was wrong with my life.  I would get up in the morning and think, "What's the point?" and not be able to come up with an answer.
Then, about six years ago, I realized that I had lost my love for life, and what had mattered to me in the past had slipped from my daily view.  So, I sought out help.  With the help of a friend, I found a counselor who could help me think out things when my stress was high (which it seemed to be perpetually).  Slowly, over time, he helped me find myself and reprioritize my life.  I realized that I was getting up every day to teach at a school where the mission of the school was to change kids with Asperger's and NLD into more "normal" kids.  They also went from caring about their faculty to caring about the bottom line - $$.  So, I began to put my family and my mental health FIRST, and my job second.
Changing my priorities was an important step in finding myself in the morass of negativity and despair that I had been enveloped by.  Little by little, I began to see the light above the fog that surrounded me, but I still was unable to get out of it.  My wife (who has finally begun counseling - YAY!) was anxious about my job.  What if putting my family and mental health first caused me to lose my job?  How would we survive if I wasn't working?  I absorbed that anxiety coming off of her, and turned it into more stress, which caused more bad decisions.  I ended up up staying in that job for four more years before coming to the mutual decision that the job was no longer a good fit for me.  Despite hating to leave the students who, I found out with my diagnosis during my last year there, were just like me, I knew it was the right thing to do.
Here I am, two years later, and I am still peeling off layers of grime that have obscured the real me from the world.  This grime, the result of working eight years in a school which can't see the unique strengths that kids with Asperger's and NLD have and instead have tried to use layers of makeup to change who they are and make them more like everyone else, is still affecting me two years later.  I still occasionally go into downswings where I see the world as half-empty (or, sometimes, with a leak in it that causes it to be losing water), but they rarely last as long as they used to.  However, each time I come out of a downswing, peeling off a little more of that grime, I get a little better and the coating of grime gets thinner.  I have realized that I have a wonderful family that cares for me (no matter how much they sometimes drive me NUTS!), a job at a school where I am appreciated, rather than viewed as just another "warm body to monitor the students" (an actual quote from one of the learning specialists…).  I am special, and I DO matter just as I am, despite what the administration at my old school tried to get me to believe...
Not only that, I have also rediscovered a goal of mine - I want to make the world a better place.  I want to help others find themselves, especially those who, like me, have Asperger's or Autism and have trouble figuring out how they fit in with the rest of the world.  I want them to realize that, no matter how different they are, no matter what difficulties they may face, there is a spot for them in this jigsaw puzzle called life.  They just need to learn to be themselves, and not who others want them to be.  As Jim Henson said, (from The Muppet Movie)

"Life's like a movie,

Write your own ending,

Keep believing,

Keep pretending.

We need to never lose sight of who we are and what we want to do in life.  Keep believing in ourselves, and we will accomplish great things.

Learning to Read the Minds of Others

One of the notable issues that those with Asperger's and Autism have is a lack of "Theory of Mind."  Theory of Mind (ToM) is the ability to know what others are thinking or feeling.  Most people have this innate ability to understand the others around them, and often can think or feel exactly what others around them are thinking and feeling as if they, themselves, were in the same position.  Those with Asperger's and Autism have no ToM (according to the experts), and cannot understand what other people are thinking or feeling.  This stems from their inability to read facial expressions and non-verbal cues.

However, this is a very simplistic explanation.  There is really a spectrum of ToM, ranging from having no idea what others are going through (i.e. their thoughts and feelings are what everyone else is thinking and feeling - the universe is this individual and no one else has their own thoughts or feelings), which would correlate to those on the lowest-functioning end of the spectrum, to being completely in the place of the other individual and not only having the thoughts and feelings they are having, but even, in some cases, experiencing any physical effects of those feelings and emotions (i.e. being a telepath or empath).  Most neurotypicals are towards this end of the spectrum, but don't actually go into the realm of telepath/empath.  Most high-functioning Autistics and Aspies are towards the middle of this spectrum.  They often cannot feel what others are feeling or think the thoughts they are thinking, but instead they can logically reason out what others are thinking or feeling.  For an analogy, watch this video:

Now, for those of you out there who are guys, how many of you had some kind of physical or mental reaction?  That is ToM at work - you could actually feel (or recall) what that was like for that young man.  For those of you who never got kicked in the nuts (a vulgar slang term, but it works), you may have felt some kind of pain or emotional reaction to it.  I, however, had very little reaction to it.  Not because I haven't felt that pain before, but because I have difficulty experiencing things that are not done specifically to me.  However, I am able to understand the pain and humiliation that young man felt (probably more of the former) since I am able to reason out what went through his mind.  

Now, imagine being in a group of people where you are unable to imagine what they are thinking or feeling without being told directly.  People tell you things, and you have difficulty determining if they are being sarcastic or truthful, joking around with you or really pissed off over something you did.  And you cannot use ToM to fall back on, thinking "If I was in their position, I would feel..." because you never were in that exact position as that person.  THIS is what having Asperger's and Autism is like.  Many people will say that Aspies lack empathy, but this isn't quite true (we CAN recognize the emotions others are feeling since we often reason it out).  Others will say that we don't express emotion, but this isn't quite true either (some of us may have Alexithymia, or an inability to recognize and describe emotions in ourselves, but, we ARE human, after all, and DO experience emotions, but it is often much different in intensity and manifestation that neurotypicals, but that is for a different post, altogether...).  For as long as I can remember, I have been in that situation.  Every day, I experience a world of people around me who seem to have some sort of telepathy with each other, but yet my mind is shielded from theirs by my Asperger's.  I often realize that so-and-so must be upset, but cannot, for the life of me, realize WHY, nor how to make it right.  People I care about have more in common with the stranger passing by than with me.

But, this is who I am.  As a result of my Asperger's, I have spent much of my life trying to understand the people around me and what makes them tick.  I have had epiphanies into the minds of others that have made me who I am, a loving husband and father, a beloved teacher and learning specialist who GETS the students he teaches, an author, and a paranormal investigator.  I have a knack for being able to amaze both friends who know me well and strangers who have just met me just by talking to them (of course, I am more comfortable talking with a stranger than someone I've known for years, according to my wife, but I think that's because they are a new mind to learn about, someone new who hasn't heard me drone on about my special interest for hours on end...).  I am an adult on the spectrum, and, despite all my difficulties and social weaknesses, I am special because of it, something I would not be if I was neurotypical.