Now I Understand

Ever since talking to my coworker (I still have problems calling someone a friend - I feel like such a loner) on Friday, I have been thinking about why people with Asperger's have trouble with relationships.  After all, I have been married for over 13 years (and with her for over 18 years) and I rarely feel like we have problems.  Of course, I know that's not the truth, but I often forget the hard ties when they're gone and only remember the good times.  This morning, I almost had a meltdown...

My wife was getting things ready for the kids lunches, and realized our cats had peed on a box of pouch drinks that she had gotten for her Girl Scout troop.  Well, she blew up, causing our daughter (who is 9 and emotionally sensitive) to start crying.  That made my wife blow up some more, and the cycle continued with my daughter bawling and my wife start complaining about how horrible her life is and how nobody cares about her.  Meanwhile, I'm getting our son (who's 6) ready for school.  All the while, I'm thinking, "Why can't they control their emotions?  I can."  At that point it hit me - I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN life.  When I got married, I was committing myself to my wife for life.  Now, there's TWO people whose lives I need to deal with.  When our kids were born, I became partly responsible for their lives as well (that's FOUR).  Now, I have enough trouble dealing with my own emotions and controlling them.  I have trouble supporting myself and understanding my own actions and reactions to things, partly because I haven't been able to model my emotions and how they control my actions.  NOW, because I am married with kids, I have to help three other people deal with their own emotions and realize how their actions affect others.  I can barely do that for MYSELF, let alone anyone else!  I don't know how many times in the past 13 years I have thought, "I wish I was alone!"  If I was alone, I would be able to deal with my environment better than I do now since there would be less variables to deal with.  On the other hand, if I WAS alone, I would have to separate from my wife and, worse, I wouldn't get to be with my kids as much.

My Asperger's makes my brain a very step-by-step, logical thinker.  I deal well with things I can control, which makes me want to be alone often.  But, I love my wife and kids and can't imagine being without them.  I always find it interesting that fellow Aspies talk about their trouble with relationships and wish to have a long-lasting one.  I am in a long-term relationship and often wish I wasn't.  Maybe it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side...