Post-Christmas Emotional Blues

It really sucks sometimes having AS and not being able to feel "shades of grey" in my emotions.  We went to my in-laws for Christmas and then stayed there overnight.  My wife's grandmother started giving away some of her serving pieces and antique ornaments - everyone seemed to be slightly emotional - except for me.  I had a hard time getting all misty-eyed over it.  I love this lady dearly,  and as much as I can't imagine holidays without her, she's still here, and she has been doing stuff like this for the past 19 years since I first MET her!  Why is doing it at 88 any different than doing it at 69?  Yes, she's 19 years closer to the great beyond, but so are all of us, right?  So, my wife and kids got all teary-eyed at this while we were at my mother-in-law's overnight, and I just had to get out of the room.  I couldn't stand being in the middle of all that emotional upset over someone who was still here.  Of course, my wife still cannot understand why I don't get upset over these kind of things.  I can't seem to explain to her that it is part of my AS - the inability to understand feelings that do not apply to me.  When Memere finally passes on, I will be extremely upset, just as I was when my own grandparents passed away.  When that happened 10 years ago, everyone could tell I was upset, except for me, of course.  My emotions are either expressed externally full blast or they are not expressed at all.  So, I won't be able to tell, since my own reactions will be so subtle that I won't notice, but others who have NO problems with interpreting non-verbal cues will be able to read me like an open book.

This inability to read my emotional state and that of others is really frustrating to me, especially in my role as a husband and parent, and doubly so around the holidays.  This is mostly because I interact with so many more people that I care about, and I want to help them all be comfortable and happy.  When things like Memere giving away her serving pieces comes up, and those I care about are upset and I can't figure out why or, more importantly, what I can do to make them feel better, I tend to get a little down.  This is where my AS really frustrates me.  The strengths I have and the other weaknesses I have are secondary to this inability to help those I care about feel better about whatever is bothering them.

Tony Attwood, the leading expert in the world on AS said in a talk once that he was explaining to a couple parents about their son's AS diagnosis.  The mother was all upset and crying, but the father made no move to comfort her.  He said that the wife, in a separate session later asked if her husband had AS as well, which is what Tony said he suspected.  When he asked the husband if he noticed his wife was upset, the husband replied, "Yes."  When Tony asked why he didn't do anything to comfort her, the husband replied, "I didn't know how to make her feel better and was afraid to do the wrong thing."  THAT is exactly how I feel.  I can tell when someone is upset, but am never sure how to handle it.  I have, at times, moved to comfort the person only to be told that they wanted to be alone or needed space.  Other times, I have been told that they needed a hug, but I went to leave them alone.

For those of you out there who know someone with AS, remember that they often care about people and want them to be happy.  However, they rarely can tell what emotions people are feeling and, even when they can, they rarely know how to react.  So, keep that in mind when you're feeling happy or sad, anger or joy, and a person with AS is looking lost about what to do.  If you need a hug, ask them for one.  They'll probably be more than happy to give you one, and it will make you BOTH feel better.