Learning to Read the Minds of Others

One of the notable issues that those with Asperger's and Autism have is a lack of "Theory of Mind."  Theory of Mind (ToM) is the ability to know what others are thinking or feeling.  Most people have this innate ability to understand the others around them, and often can think or feel exactly what others around them are thinking and feeling as if they, themselves, were in the same position.  Those with Asperger's and Autism have no ToM (according to the experts), and cannot understand what other people are thinking or feeling.  This stems from their inability to read facial expressions and non-verbal cues.

However, this is a very simplistic explanation.  There is really a spectrum of ToM, ranging from having no idea what others are going through (i.e. their thoughts and feelings are what everyone else is thinking and feeling - the universe is this individual and no one else has their own thoughts or feelings), which would correlate to those on the lowest-functioning end of the spectrum, to being completely in the place of the other individual and not only having the thoughts and feelings they are having, but even, in some cases, experiencing any physical effects of those feelings and emotions (i.e. being a telepath or empath).  Most neurotypicals are towards this end of the spectrum, but don't actually go into the realm of telepath/empath.  Most high-functioning Autistics and Aspies are towards the middle of this spectrum.  They often cannot feel what others are feeling or think the thoughts they are thinking, but instead they can logically reason out what others are thinking or feeling.  For an analogy, watch this video:

Now, for those of you out there who are guys, how many of you had some kind of physical or mental reaction?  That is ToM at work - you could actually feel (or recall) what that was like for that young man.  For those of you who never got kicked in the nuts (a vulgar slang term, but it works), you may have felt some kind of pain or emotional reaction to it.  I, however, had very little reaction to it.  Not because I haven't felt that pain before, but because I have difficulty experiencing things that are not done specifically to me.  However, I am able to understand the pain and humiliation that young man felt (probably more of the former) since I am able to reason out what went through his mind.  

Now, imagine being in a group of people where you are unable to imagine what they are thinking or feeling without being told directly.  People tell you things, and you have difficulty determining if they are being sarcastic or truthful, joking around with you or really pissed off over something you did.  And you cannot use ToM to fall back on, thinking "If I was in their position, I would feel..." because you never were in that exact position as that person.  THIS is what having Asperger's and Autism is like.  Many people will say that Aspies lack empathy, but this isn't quite true (we CAN recognize the emotions others are feeling since we often reason it out).  Others will say that we don't express emotion, but this isn't quite true either (some of us may have Alexithymia, or an inability to recognize and describe emotions in ourselves, but, we ARE human, after all, and DO experience emotions, but it is often much different in intensity and manifestation that neurotypicals, but that is for a different post, altogether...).  For as long as I can remember, I have been in that situation.  Every day, I experience a world of people around me who seem to have some sort of telepathy with each other, but yet my mind is shielded from theirs by my Asperger's.  I often realize that so-and-so must be upset, but cannot, for the life of me, realize WHY, nor how to make it right.  People I care about have more in common with the stranger passing by than with me.

But, this is who I am.  As a result of my Asperger's, I have spent much of my life trying to understand the people around me and what makes them tick.  I have had epiphanies into the minds of others that have made me who I am, a loving husband and father, a beloved teacher and learning specialist who GETS the students he teaches, an author, and a paranormal investigator.  I have a knack for being able to amaze both friends who know me well and strangers who have just met me just by talking to them (of course, I am more comfortable talking with a stranger than someone I've known for years, according to my wife, but I think that's because they are a new mind to learn about, someone new who hasn't heard me drone on about my special interest for hours on end...).  I am an adult on the spectrum, and, despite all my difficulties and social weaknesses, I am special because of it, something I would not be if I was neurotypical.

Education of an Aspie Teacher

As most of you reading already know, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome 2 1/2 years ago.  At the time, the diagnosis was not unexpected, as I had been working for 7 1/2 years at a school for students with Asperger's Syndrome and Non-verbal Learning Differences, a Learning Difference in which students seem to learn well using similar methods to those with Asperger's Syndrome (or so the higher ups at the school said - I found that, despite having difficulty with social skills and reading others, Aspies tend to be more visual learners and NLD students are more auditory learners, and hence have very different learning styles...).  My wife and I, along with many students and parents, had noticed how similar I was to the kids at the school (I was even mistaken for a student by many a parent on opening days at the school!).  I had been told by one administrator that, out of all the faculty, I understood the students and their abilities the best.  Parents, when I was allowed to talk to them (the school only allowed teaching team leaders to talk to parents - NEVER  classroom teachers, "To protect us from overbearing parents," they often said - I think it was to control the message coming from the school...), often sought me out whenever they were on campus to tell me how much they appreciated my working with their child, and how well I seemed to understand them.  Other teachers often asked to co-teach classes with me, one of whom told me was because I "...(was) so good with the kids and (the teacher) learn(ed) so much working with me."  One of the things that was told to many of the students at the school was, "Once you graduate from college, we'd LOVE to have you come teach for us!"  You'd think that my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome would have been a benefit for the school, right?  WRONG!

Unfortunately, there are a number of weaknesses that go along with Asperger's Syndrome.  One of these is that our brains our wired differently than a majority of the human population's, causing us to think VERY differently than those around us.  Thus, as much as my Asperger's diagnosis allowed me to understand the students at the school, it caused some strife with some of the decision makers around me.  One of those who had difficulty understanding me was one of my teaching team leaders, who was my direct supervisor for my last two years at the school.  She was the Learning Specialist on the team, and thus was educated in special education.  You would think that she would have appreciated me, possibly even noticing my Asperger's Syndrome, right?  Wrong!  As much as I understood the students at the school, that's how much she just DIDN'T get Asperger's Syndrome, especially in adults.  Her goal while she was my direct supervisor seemed to be to try and force me to do things in some standard way.  Everything I did was wrong for my last two years at the school, if you listened to her.  Despite the fact that I was able to meet all the goals set at the beginning of the year for me, since I didn't teach the kids and the classes in her way, I was wrong.  It got even worse once I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and asked for reasonable accommodations under the ADA to be able to do my job.  She refused to allow me to have ANY of the suggested accommodations from my psychologist.  What was especially ironic about this was that many of these were the VERY SAME accommodations that I, and every other teacher at the school, were teaching the students to use and, in some cases, FORCING them to use!  When I asked why it was required for us to teach these accommodations to students with Asperger's, but I was not allowed to use them, I was told that, "As an adult and professional teacher, you are EXPECTED to be able to do things on your own without any assistance."  What was especially frustrating was that this learning specialist refused to give me a list of policies and procedures, notes of meetings (which I ALSO was told I could not record due to privacy issues...), or even written deadlines for work that I needed to do.  (NOTE: This still makes no sense to me - why NOT have written policies and procedures or deadlines, unless you just want to be able to change your mind and not be held accountable for what you said - if it was in writing, it would be harder to renege...).

Another person who had issues with me was the headmaster.  This man, when the school opened in 2003, had said that he wanted the school to be a joint effort between everyone, administrators, faculty and staff, and that he welcomed differing opinions.  However, if you questioned his opinion, you were not long for employment at the school.  Early on in his time there, I ended up on his "hit list" by questioning why my family was being moved off campus from our on-campus home (I was told that housing was NOT  the concern of the faculty, despite it being provided by the school, and that I just needed to accept that it was best for the school, even if it inconvenienced my family; needless to say, I was NOT pleased, but moved anyway).  My way of thinking often put me at odds with this man - I always needed to understand why something was happening, he was the type of person who expected people to jump when he said "JUMP!"  Even asking "How high?" was too much!  He also had difficulty accepting my diagnosis, going so far as to deny that my diagnosis was real.  When presented with the letter about my diagnosis and suggested accommodations, he was FURIOUS!  Here he was, trying to insist that I was trying to be subversive and destroy the school, and I was, once again, contradicting him.  So, he responded in a VERY unprofessional, and illegal, manner.  "I have worked with students with Asperger's for TEN years (it was really 8 at the time - just like me), and I KNOW what they are like, and you do NOT have Asperger's!  I don't care WHO wrote that letter, he is WRONG!  You are just DISRESPECTFUL and REFUSE to follow ORDERS!"  Now, as an employer, he is bound by law (the ADA - Americans with Disabilities Act) to give reasonable accommodations to those with official diagnoses so they can effectively do their job.  Not only did he REFUSE to give me the recommended accommodations, but HE made a diagnosis of me without being licensed by the state, ignoring the diagnosis of the licensed psychologist.  He showed complete disregard for both the law as well as the student he was supposed to be supporting at the school. 

So, my experience at this school taught me a few things.  First and foremost, I realized that being an adult with Asperger's Syndrome, I am expected by many people to be able to act and behave as if I am normal.  There is a gulf between children with Asperger's Syndrome and adults with Asperger's Syndrome.  Adults, especially those who receive their diagnosis in adulthood, often have difficulty in everyday life, but are not eligible for many of the supports that younger kids are.  This is due to laws like IDEA, where kids are supported until they turn 18, but then are cut loose to survive on their own.  If we are to survive as a nation, we need to not only focus on the children out there, but we need to consider the adults.  This goes for Mental Health issues as well as Asperger's.  In fact, some of the strategies we develop to use with adults on the spectrum would probably work with ANYONE!  We need to help others regardless of age.

The second thing I learned is the cause of the high unemployment among those on the Autism Spectrum.  Most of this has to do with the employers out there.  First is the stigma that surrounds mental illness and mental differences.  Aspies, for example, often have deficits in social skills, reading facial expressions, being literal, etc.  These are qualities that many employers, as well as people in general, highly value.  These deficits are why the learning specialist and headmaster viewed me as a liability to the school.  They were unable to see the benefits that I brought to the table.  An Aspie, despite having some social skills issues, often is able to do things in a unique and creative way.  S/He sees the world differently from most of those around him/her and, as a result, is able to see different way to solve problems and achieve goals that others might not have seen.  Seeing the strengths in others that can be cultivated, rather than the weaknesses that need to be fixed, is the way my current school sees everyone - as an individual with unique talents. 

Hopefully, someday in the future, others will be able to learn what I have found out.  Maybe a day will come when adults on the spectrum will be as well supported in their jobs as children are in their schools.  Maybe a day will come when those with Asperger's can tell a potential employer of their AS, and get the job because of what they can bring to it rather than lose out on it because they may need accommodations.  On this day, our nation will have reason to rejoice, for we will all be one nation, united.

Are Autism and Asperger's Syndrome REALLY Disorders or Disabilities?

This is a question that I have been mulling over for a long, long time.  Well, if you're reading this blog, then you probably know that I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.  Because of this, you can probably guess that my answer will be, "No."  However, unlike a lot of my co-Aspies, I don't see this question as a cut and dried Yes/No, but I see it more in terms of a combination of the two, depending on the situation one finds oneself in.  Le me explain...

I have been diagnosed with mild to moderate Asperger's Syndrome.  As the psychologist was going through the testing procedure with me, he explained that the criteria for Asperger's hinged on whether or not it affected the individual's work, home or school life significantly.  "This," he said to me, "is one of the problems with personal diagnosis of mental disorders.  It is completely based on their behaviors, not on and physical or genetic markers that can be measured."  And, because of this, a person can see one clinician who can diagnose the patient with a mental disorder since he/she views the patient's behaviors as having a significant impact on their life, and another clinician can say that, even if the behaviors are impacting the patient's life, that the impact is not significant.  Additionally, it is also based on the outward manifestation of the condition through the patient's behaviors.  For example, when I was diagnosed, I was in a job that, although I loved teaching the population of students I was working with, I was questioning the direction that the school was going (where the policy was to try to fit students with Asperger's and NLD into a more traditional student mold, rather than helping them learn to use their unique perspectives of the world around them to make their own place in the world, kind of like trying to fit a really square peg into a round hole by shaving the corners off).

The continual stress of ending my work with this unique student population that I really felt comfortable working with (and, I later found out with my diagnosis, for good reason!),  was causing my lack of social skills and poor personal relationship skills to become very apparent.  I even got into a couple of arguments with the headmaster about policies, which eventually caused him to try and make the environment a caustic one to work in and force me to leave.  So, at the time of my diagnosis, my Aspie traits were very apparent, and they caused enormous difficulties in my employment, as well as at home (since I was always stressed from work, and the 60-80 hours a week working for a boarding school, it wreaked havoc with my family life as well).

Now, I am in a job where I feel appreciated.  I am at a school in which my Aspie traits help students to be comfortable working with me one-on-one in the Learning Skills Program.  The school, unlike my other school, also doesn't try to force students into a single student mold, but instead allows each student to learn to use his or her strengths to learn about the world around them, and eventually give them the power to shape it for the better.  The school's philosophy is more like mine, and I feel comfortable in the environment.  My Aspie traits, although they are still a part of who I am and show up on a regular basis, do not have a negative effect on my life at work.  If I was to undergo my diagnosis today, I might not be diagnosable...

And THAT is why any of these disorders aren't really disorders or disabilities in the truest sense of the words.  Humans have a wide diversity in their genetic code, and millions of years of natural selection which have brought us to where we are today.  If Asperger's or Autism were detrimental to us as a species, natural selection would have weeded it out long ago.  But, the fact is, IT DID NOT.  Aspies are still in our population.  In fact, it has been proposed that many of the most unique thinkers of our recent centuries were undiagnosed Aspies.  Names like Einstein, Mark Twain, Isaac Newton and HP Lovecraft, to name a few (check this link to see people who have been diagnosed or others speculate may have had Asperger's) have been tossed about, and, since Asperger's and Autism were not identified until the 1940s, it is probable that at least a few of them did have something like it...

You see, disorders are only identified by those who do not identify as having the disorder.  A disability is something which prevents someone from being able to survive in the regular world due to the disability.  My Asperger's is not a disorder for me, it is a difference, since it just means I think differently than most other people.  The order in my thinking is not missing, it is jut not the same as in others.  It is not a disability, it is a difference in my abilities.  I perceive the world in a different way than others do, and it makes me unique. 

We need to take a look at society's view of mental health, and reassess how we view it.  There is a negative stigma to the words we use to describe mental health (disorder, disability, mental illness, etc.), and this creates the perception that if I have one of these disorders, then I am not normal, and it is something to avoid.  However, we need to stay mentally healthy just like we need to stay physically healthy, but we avoid checking our mental health because we're afraid of finding out that we're not normal, that we're disordered or disabled.  Insurance companies pay for our physicals, but not our mental health checkups.  THIS is the view we need to change, the idea that mental health is not as important as physical health.  We need to see it as MORE important, since it is usually hidden from view, and, therefore, more important to get help for when it begins to deteriorate.

So, we need to STOP labeling things like Asperger's and Autism as disorders and disabilities.  We need to take a different view of mental health, one which is beneficial to the human race as a whole, one which will help people become mentally fit as well as physically fit.

GMO Labeling - is it a good idea?

The CT legislature recently passed a bill requiring labeling of foods with ingredients coming from genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Being the first state in the nation to do so, some of our political leaders had reservations about such labeling, concerned that the additional costs associated with it would be either passed on to consumers or have the major companies not even offer these products for sale in the state.  So, the bill that was passed by the CT House included a "trigger" which requires a number of states around CT to also require labeling of GMOs.  This has created an uproar in both anti-GMO groups as well as the CT Senate, saying that the trigger makes it impossible for this labeling to occur.

As a science teacher, I have taught a number of politically and publicly charged topics, such as Global Warming, Diversity Loss, the Ozone Hole, and, now, GMOs.  When I ask my students about GMOs, they often start off very against them.  However, as I ask them questions about the research done in the past decade on GMOs, and their effect on human health in the long and short term, they begin to see how science works.  So far, there has been only one study done which has shown that GMOs could cause health problems.  This study was done on experimental rats where they were fed exclusively GMO corn for 2 years.  This corn was modified to be resistant to Roundup, a weed-killing chemical made by Monsanto.  Pretty damning, huh?

Well, when the experiment is broken down, a number of problems appear.  First, most experiments with this type of rat only goes 90-180 days.  This is because their lifespan is about 2 years, and towards the end of their lives, they have a high incidence of tumors.  A number of scientists have pointed out these, and other flaws in the experiment, and when they are taken into account, the rate of tumor development in the GMO and non-GMO rats was not significantly different.  Also, the researcher who carried out the experiment has been a vocal opponent of GMOs for years,putting further doubt into his results due to potential bias.

So far, there has been no scientific proof of GMOs being detrimental to the health of humans.  Yet many people keep yelling that they do not wish to have these ingredients in their foods, and that we have a right to know what we're eating.  Unfortunately, they are acting on emotional, but not scientific, arguments.  If these groups get their way, the only thing that the residents of CT have to look up to are higher food prices and less choice at the market.  Add this to the high cost of living and poor economy in CT already, and you have a recipe for disaster.  I applaud Speaker Sharkey and Gov. Malloy for thinking of the people of the state (although our governor might not have our best interests at heart), for fixing a bad bill and making it more palatable and less likely to raise food prices.  I would have preferred if they had looked deeper into the science before passing any bill, but if they are to pass one, hopefully it will be the House version.

The Boston Marathon Bombings and the Future of the HUMAN RACE...

If you asked me, I would say that this has to be the worst 5 months on record.  Starting with the Newtown shootings in December, 2012, and continuing with the Boston Marathon Massacre, to today's manhunt for the second suspected bomber, you have to wonder if the Mayans really were right.  Is the current cycle of our existence over and we're moving into a new age for mankind?

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I feel that, despite the immense propensity for evil that some individuals seem to have, Patton Oswalt has it right.  These individuals are only a small fraction of a small fraction of a percentage of humans on the surface of the Earth.  Most of us have the desire to stand up for our fellow humans, to help out when these individuals surface to wreak their havoc, to spread their terror among us.  Even if we are hundreds or thousands of miles away from the scene, people stand up together to do what they can for their fellow man.

Unfortunately, often, after all of the smoke clears, and the tragedy starts fading into the background, the "helpers" that people become in the moments during a horrible event like this, slowly start turning into "vilifiers."  They start looking for what might have crossed the wires in the individuals who have perpetrated these events.  Then, some of these same "helpers" come to resemble those who they hate...

Remember 9/11?  As soon as it happened, the emergency responders in NY went into a collapsing building to try and help those trapped get out.  In the weeks after, the skies were silent as planes all over North America were grounded, but the ground was buzzing with those who were going into NY, DC and PA to assist with the cleanup effort.  As the cleanup began to slow, many of us started looking at the Middle East, and especially Al Qaeda, and some of us, including those of us who were "helpers" who had gone into NY, given blood, donated money or goods to the cause, started looking at Muslims with wary stares, as if at any time, they would pull out an Iraqi flag, yell "Allahu Akbar," and run us through.  Yet, Islam is on its own, a religion that does not breed violence.  If anything, Christianity is more violent than Islam, with the Crusades, the Inquisition, and the early culling of "heretical," Christian groups, or those that did not agree with Constantine's version that he accepted for the Roman Church.  However, we still villified them and, to this day, there is still an air that Muslims are out to "get us."

Then, the Newtown shooting happened.  In this, the helpers were the educators and the first responders who protected the children in the school.  However, during the day, Lanza's brother reported that Adam had Asperger's Syndrome, a form of high functioning Autism, and was a loner.  All of a sudden, people began equating mental differences, especially Asperger's, with violence, and worse, looking at those who had Asperger's as being ready to go off and kill everyone around them.  I know, because I HAVE Asperger's.  However, I was lucky - most of my friends and coworkers, those who know I have Asperger's, also know that AS does not make people violent.  Something else must have been going on with Adam Lanza, since they could not see ANY violence in my eyes, nor have they ever seen anything in me but good intentions. 

Another group which was vilified was gun owners.  There has always been an extreme bipolarity in the US public when it comes to firearms.  After Newtown, the anti-gun lobby began pushing for stronger gun controls.  This was a natural reaction to a mass killing in which the perpetrator had used guns to conduct the killings.  For months, the country was in the throws of gun control talk.  Some states, including CT, passed stricter gun control legislation.  However, some of these laws were passed so quickly and with not enough consideration, that they had problems.  For example, NY's law did not make exemptions for police or National Guard members.  CT's law will result in many gun manufacturers leaving the state (it didn't help that our WONDERFUL Governor Malloy wrongly called these same CT companies soulless entities that didn't care about the victims of their products, just about selling their products to as many people as they could, even the deranged and insane - WOW, way to support commercial enterprise in CT, Guv!).

Now, after the Boston Marathon Bombings, we have once again come together as a nation, and as human beings, to support those affected.  However, those same helpers will want to find out who these suspected bombers are and why they did what they did.  They will look at their upbringing, their similarities, who they associated with.  And, when all is said and done, people will look at what made them alike to one another, yet different from themselves, to blame their misdeeds on.  Be it their religion (Islam), ethnicity (Chechen), friends, whatever these two brothers had that was different than the average (pardon the expression) WASP in the US.  And, THAT, is what people will focus on.

Unfortunately, people usually fear what is different.  You can look throughout our history and see examples of this.  Burning witches in Medieval Europe and hanging them in Salem in 1692, shunning those with leprosy and mental disorders, claiming they were being attacked by demons, people in other countries accusing Americans of being responsible for all the problems in their own country since we think differently.  Unfortunately, this tendency to vilify those who are different is a direct result of humanity's social nature.  We group as a coping mechanism.  It was our ancestors' way of surviving as a family unit - looking for those individuals that had our traits and staying with them, since groups are stronger than individuals.  Back then, might didn't make right - it made you SAFE.  So our ancestors learned to socialize, to create larger and larger groups, looking for ways to keep the group together, so they focused on what made them alike.  Unfortunately, if similarity made individuals like you, and thus good, being different must mean that someone was bad.

We have come a long way since then.  We no longer need to protect ourselves from predators.  We now dominate the planet, but this focus on "He's the same as I am, so I can trust him; he's different, so I have to fear (or hate) him," is still very ingrained in our very being, the very soul of humanity.  Maybe that is what the Mayans meant.  That the "Old Cycle" of our time, that of hate and mistrust for our fellow man because he/she is different than we are, is ending.  Maybe, in order to survive the ending of this "Old Cycle," we need to move past this evolutionary vestige and learn to love our fellow man, to treat him/her as being the same as us and look past what makes us different.  A member of the Homo sapiens species, the human race.  We need to stop looking at what makes us different and, as I saw in a video at the school I teach at, realize that we all have a brain and a heart that goes "ba-BOOM, ba-BOOM."  Jesus had it right, we need to love one another as He loves us, regardless of race, creed, gender, religion, mental differences, and so on and so forth.  STOP the hate and be a "helper," not just in times of tragedy, but ALL OF THE TIME!  Only then will we truly become a new people, a true HUMAN race!

Just remember, in any species that has as many individuals as ours, there are bound to be some individuals where the wires get crossed.  However, it is our responsibility as FELLOW humans, to be "helpers" to them, not just to those who my be hurt by them when we don't help them appropriately.  It is not our job to differentiate or to separate - leave that up to God (or whatever deity you believe in).

Great Vacation (yeah, RIGHT!)

One of the things I love being a teacher is the breaks.  I get off for holidays, and, depending on the school, I sometimes get the summer off (or I can work it, it's usually my choice...).  The week before Christmas, my wife and kids were sick.  I felt OK on Sunday, and tried doing what I could for them, but having to go to teach made that difficult.  Now, breaks are nice, but one of the bad things about being a teacher is that if one kid (or teacher) comes in sick, it runs through the school like (insert favorite pun here...).  I usually do OK, and I rarely get sick since I start taking large amounts of vitamin C just before school starts and do that religiously until the last day of faculty meetings at the end of the school year.  That way, if I DO get sick, it isn't very bad.

Well, every year, we get told to get a flu shot.  Most schools provide this at little to no cost to their faculty & staff, but in all my time teaching, I have only gotten it two years - that being last year (2011) since it included the H1N1 Swine Flu shot and the year before (2010) when they came out with the swine flu shot.  I wasn't going to let the worst flu in years take me out, especially since I have two kids at home.  But, I figure that every year, SO many people get the shot that they boost my immunity by just being immune to the flu, so I don't end up getting it.  And, so, in all my years of teaching and NOT getting the flu shot, I've never gotten the flu...until now.

This year, the flu season is worse than it has been in years, since they started making flu shots a routine event every fall.  It started with a friend of mine.  She got really sick just before Thanksgiving, and when she went to the doctor, her test came back positive for the flu.  Influenza A, or H2N3, the newest version of the Swine Flu!  She gets a flu shot every year since she has asthma and it can be dangerous if she gets the flu since it can affect her breathing.  She ended up with bronchitis, and eventually recovered.  However, the CDC, when they looked at possible strains of the flu to make the flu shot for this year, did not include H2N3.  It was not thought to be a likely strain since they thought it was hard to transmit between individuals.  Well, they were wrong, and it turned out to be easier to transfer than they thought.

So, when my wife & kids came down sick, I felt really bad, but thought nothing of it.  At that point, it was also running rampant through my school, but I still felt invincible.  I was taking vitamin C and hadn't gotten that sick in a long, LONG time.  Well, by Tuesday, I had the chills and by Wednesday I was feeling horrible.  Thursday, I stayed home, and Friday I felt better, so I went back to work.

Well, I thought it was all over, but it wasn't.  The following week, after my wife & kids felt better, I was still feeling a little out of it and had developed a cough.  By Wednesday and Thursday, I was feeling worse.  Saturday, it snowed, and we went away.  I was tired, but was able to drive the 1.5 hours to my in-laws.  Sunday, I was out of commission, and I missed the holiday celebration with the family.  By the time we got home for New Year's Eve, I was still feeling it, and when I went to the doctor on Thursday, I was so bad that he prescribed an inhaler for me to help my breathing get better.

So, I had 2 weeks off, and was sick for most of it.  I go back to work tomorrow (I hope...) and, if I am still upright at the end of the day, I will come home and take a nice, long nap, and hope that I feel better by the end of the week.  And, if anyone else feels like I did, may whatever deity you pray to have mercy on your soul!  You're going to need it!

Post-Christmas Emotional Blues

It really sucks sometimes having AS and not being able to feel "shades of grey" in my emotions.  We went to my in-laws for Christmas and then stayed there overnight.  My wife's grandmother started giving away some of her serving pieces and antique ornaments - everyone seemed to be slightly emotional - except for me.  I had a hard time getting all misty-eyed over it.  I love this lady dearly,  and as much as I can't imagine holidays without her, she's still here, and she has been doing stuff like this for the past 19 years since I first MET her!  Why is doing it at 88 any different than doing it at 69?  Yes, she's 19 years closer to the great beyond, but so are all of us, right?  So, my wife and kids got all teary-eyed at this while we were at my mother-in-law's overnight, and I just had to get out of the room.  I couldn't stand being in the middle of all that emotional upset over someone who was still here.  Of course, my wife still cannot understand why I don't get upset over these kind of things.  I can't seem to explain to her that it is part of my AS - the inability to understand feelings that do not apply to me.  When Memere finally passes on, I will be extremely upset, just as I was when my own grandparents passed away.  When that happened 10 years ago, everyone could tell I was upset, except for me, of course.  My emotions are either expressed externally full blast or they are not expressed at all.  So, I won't be able to tell, since my own reactions will be so subtle that I won't notice, but others who have NO problems with interpreting non-verbal cues will be able to read me like an open book.

This inability to read my emotional state and that of others is really frustrating to me, especially in my role as a husband and parent, and doubly so around the holidays.  This is mostly because I interact with so many more people that I care about, and I want to help them all be comfortable and happy.  When things like Memere giving away her serving pieces comes up, and those I care about are upset and I can't figure out why or, more importantly, what I can do to make them feel better, I tend to get a little down.  This is where my AS really frustrates me.  The strengths I have and the other weaknesses I have are secondary to this inability to help those I care about feel better about whatever is bothering them.

Tony Attwood, the leading expert in the world on AS said in a talk once that he was explaining to a couple parents about their son's AS diagnosis.  The mother was all upset and crying, but the father made no move to comfort her.  He said that the wife, in a separate session later asked if her husband had AS as well, which is what Tony said he suspected.  When he asked the husband if he noticed his wife was upset, the husband replied, "Yes."  When Tony asked why he didn't do anything to comfort her, the husband replied, "I didn't know how to make her feel better and was afraid to do the wrong thing."  THAT is exactly how I feel.  I can tell when someone is upset, but am never sure how to handle it.  I have, at times, moved to comfort the person only to be told that they wanted to be alone or needed space.  Other times, I have been told that they needed a hug, but I went to leave them alone.

For those of you out there who know someone with AS, remember that they often care about people and want them to be happy.  However, they rarely can tell what emotions people are feeling and, even when they can, they rarely know how to react.  So, keep that in mind when you're feeling happy or sad, anger or joy, and a person with AS is looking lost about what to do.  If you need a hug, ask them for one.  They'll probably be more than happy to give you one, and it will make you BOTH feel better.

My Recent Insight

As anyone who has read my blog name can tell, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.  Now, with what happened 9 days ago, Asperger's has been in the news a lot, both negative and positive mentions.  The mention that Adam Lanza had Autism or Asperger's brought a lot of negative attention to Autism Spectrum Disorders, especially by those who, having no idea what people with ASDs are really like, suggested that his lack of empathy (being able to 'feel' the emotions of others) and others inability to see emotions in his face (lack of affect) caused him to do what he did.

Others, who know people on the spectrum, or are on the spectrum themselves, spoke out against these negative comments, and rightly so.  Others suggested that the US needs to do more to support and identify people with mental illnesses that might be likely to do things like this (our current system supports these individuals with tons of support, but ONLY until they graduate from high school - then they're left on their own).  Even more people suggested that people in the US see mental, psychological and neurological (nervous system) differences as incurable and, therefore, not the same as PHYSICAL illness.

Recently, I was talking with someone about this recent incident, and he asked me how I felt about it.  I said that, as a parent, husband and teacher, I felt the need to be strong, and support those I cared about in dealing with it in their own way.  He said, "No, I was wondering how you FELT about it - what feelings did you experience?"  I sat and thought about that for a while before answering.  "I really felt nothing about it other than about how it would affect those I cared about."  This response kind of surprised him, although he knows I have Asperger's, he had trouble realizing that I would deal with it in a more logical, objective manner, than in a subjective, emotional way.  That led us to a discussion about empathy and how Aspies express empathy vs. neurotypicals.  This discussion was very enlightening, and made me realize that, despite being an Aspie, I STILL don't understand empathy, even though I experience it and NEVER show it in the same way that neurotypicals do.

Empathy is described as the ability to 'feel' the feelings of others or, at least, the ability to understand how others will feel in response to something.  For many people, this means that they end up feeling the same feelings that someone else is/will be feeling in response to an event.  For example, if you are watching a movie and a guy gets kicked in the groin, most of the guys in the audience will groan. That's because they have experienced this pain before, and can just imagine what the character is going through (as a guy, I can say you never forget that feeling, even if you only experience it once!).  That is more of a physical expression of empathy, though.  Many women watching never react in that way, being built differently, and can't imagine the feeling (although, I've heard that childbirth is many times worse...).  However, they can realize that the character is going through physical pain, and often even feel sorry for him.

For an Aspie, we experience empathy, but more in the way women feel sorry for they male movie character that was kicked in the groin.  We realize how others may feel, and, especially if those people are close to us, we want to cure that pain, to make them feel better.  We feel sorrow for those who are affected.  However, we don't tend to show those emotions (sorrow, the desire to make things better) in the same way that others would.  In my case, my emotions are really extreme - they are either expressed full force or they are not expressed at all.  I am either full force crying, screaming, yelling or not expressing anything.  Many people have difficulty understanding this about me, even those who are closest to me.  So, to many people, it appears as if I have no empathy, when in reality, I do, I am just not expressing it in a way that people would recognize.

So, did Adam Lanza have Asperger's?  I don't know.  But, if he did, then he didn't lack from empathy like most people suggested, but his flat affect might have made people think so!

I have Asperger's Syndrome, but I, like MILLIONS of other Aspies, do not lack empathy, we just experience is, and SHOW it differently.

Asperger's and Sandy Hook

I am writing in this blog for the first time in six months.  This is brought about by the incident in Newtown, CT, where a single person took it upon himself to try and destroy a whole school of children for some unknown reason.  I first heard about it while teaching a class of my own.  I am a math teacher and learning specialist in Hartford at a private school and work with kids from grade 6-12, some of which have learning disabilities.  My son is 7 - he is the same age as some of the victims...I had trouble understanding why someone would do something like this, especially to students in a school.

Later that night, I was at my faculty's holiday party, my supervisor turned to me and said, "Did you hear the reports that the shooter had Asperger's?" (I've told her about my diagnosis - I feel THAT comfortable at this school!) "I'm afraid that this is going to really hurt our students on the spectrum if that is true.  Even just REPORTING it is enough to make them question themselves!"  I told her that I hadn't heard that report yet, but that I'd look into it.

When I got home, I saw in my e-mail a link to a statement from GRASP (The Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership) head, Michael John Carley.  I also read a statement from the AANE (Asperger's Association of New England) and an article by John Elder Robison in Psychology Today.  All of these Asperger's support groups and well-known individuals with Asperger's essentially said the same thing: saying that the shooter, Adam Lanza, had Asperger's Syndrome or Autism makes people look at EVERYONE on the spectrum as having the POTENTIAL of being a mass murderer. I have sent her and the school counselor links to these articles, and others like them.

As an individual with Asperger's Syndrome, I can tell you that my difficulty is NOT with violence, being unable to tell right from wrong, or having no feelings for others.  I have difficulty COMMUNICATING those feelings to others in ways that they might understand.  I care deeply about those close to me, I hurt when they hurt (and often hurt even when they feel better), I melt down sometimes when things get overwhelming, but I usually end up shutting down, not getting violent.  I could NEVER take a life.

I have also been diagnosed with depression, but that doesn't make me a bad person either.  I was been diagnosed with migraines at age seven, but have never killed anyone because of them.  As John Elder Robison pointed out, most school killers are Caucasian males.  Does that mean that because I am a Caucasian male that I will be a school killer?  NO!  Lanza is an Italian name - so what does that mean about males of Italian descent?

We cannot judge this event based on Adam Lanza's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, or anything else, without looking at a lot of other factors as well.  Did he have a history of violence?  Was he bullied as a kid?  Was he REALLY diagnosed with Asperger's, or was it just something his brother Ryan said (I heard a report this morning which stated, "...his brother Ryan told police that he had a mental illness, like Asperger's or Autism...")?  We may never know why he did it, even if we know everything about him.

We need, in this country, a stronger emphasis on those with psychological, personality and neurological disorders (Asperger's being one of the latter, NOT a mental illness, but a disorder in the nerve makeup of the brain).  By being able to diagnose these disorders sooner in life, we would be able to help those with them learn how to cope with their differences.  This might (or might not, but I think it would work) reduce the number of "mentally ill" people in the country who would be likely to commit acts like this.

Also, the APA needs to back off it's desire to eliminate the Asperger's diagnosis, among others.  People like me, who are able to receive support for our differences under the DSM-IV-R will, in many cases of higher functioning individuals, be classified as "normal" under the DSM-5.  Will these new criteria help or hurt in the diagnosis and treatment of those with disorders?  Would the DSM-5 have identified Adam Lanza before he committed this heinous crime?  If not, then they need to go back to the drawing board.

So, if you are someone reading this who is not on the spectrum, take the news reports on Adam Lanza and his Asperger's with a grain of salt.  He may have been an individual on the Autism Spectrum, but that was NOT the reason he did this.  There was some other reason, something outside of the Spectrum diagnosis, maybe something he went through BECAUSE of his diagnosis (bullying, teasing, etc.).  And, even if he did HAVE Asperger's Syndrome, his violence puts him in the minority of Aspies who become violent.  Just like his being a Caucasian male of Italian descent did not make him commit this crime.  And, above all else, allow those with Asperger's Syndrome the benefit of the doubt.  Most of them are the nicest, most interesting people that you'll ever meet, and they'd rarely hurt a fly!

What is it with NT's????

Had a really bad weekend this weekend. No $$ for anything, even gas. Had to finagle it so we could get places without the tank running dry. When I brought up the need to borrow money to get her gas for the week, she got all pissed off. When she asked how she was going to get places without gas, I said "I don't know." She started freaking out about our lack of money and saying how would we survive with no money. I told her to get a job, and she came right out and told me that it was my fault that we had no money, because if I had been able to keep my mouth shut, I wouldn't have been fired from a job where we had PLENTY of money. The thing is, she really doesn't know what was going on, and that job was KILLING me. I was working 80 hour weeks, 6 days a week, and getting constant grief FROM HER about never being home. Now, I am starting my tutoring business, and she STILL complains that I'm never home! NOTHING will ever be good enough for her! I can never make her happy - I wonder if therapy can even help...maybe our marriage is on its way out...

As an Aspie, I have problems with emotion, but at least my logical mind CAN find happiness. Some NTs can only see the negative emotions - they can never be happy if all they see is sorrow and the bad life has to offer.