Had a really bad weekend this weekend. No $$ for anything, even gas. Had to finagle it so we could get places without the tank running dry. When I brought up the need to borrow money to get her gas for the week, she got all pissed off. When she asked how she was going to get places without gas, I said "I don't know." She started freaking out about our lack of money and saying how would we survive with no money. I told her to get a job, and she came right out and told me that it was my fault that we had no money, because if I had been able to keep my mouth shut, I wouldn't have been fired from a job where we had PLENTY of money. The thing is, she really doesn't know what was going on, and that job was KILLING me. I was working 80 hour weeks, 6 days a week, and getting constant grief FROM HER about never being home. Now, I am starting my tutoring business, and she STILL complains that I'm never home! NOTHING will ever be good enough for her! I can never make her happy - I wonder if therapy can even help...maybe our marriage is on its way out...
As an Aspie, I have problems with emotion, but at least my logical mind CAN find happiness. Some NTs can only see the negative emotions - they can never be happy if all they see is sorrow and the bad life has to offer.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
I Wish I was a Vampire
I have been watching <u>The Vampire Diaries</u> since it started airing. In its 3rd season, I am finding it to be an interesting take on vampires. Granted, given some of the RECENT vampire novels/movies, I can see how some people might be thinking, "Oh, no, not another SPARKLY vampire love story!" but it's actually pretty realistic when it comes to vampire lore and physiology. What I like about this show's portrayal of vampires is their emotions. Being supernatural beings , they are immortal. However, they used to be human, unlike most other supernaturals. Therefore, they still have emotions and these still have an effect on them.<br /><br />Think about it...vampres are not human, they are closer to animals with human shapes and histories. They have heightened senses (being predatorial) and will kill to survive (food/blood, threats, etc.), but they still have to deal with human emotions over what they do (regret, etc.). Plus, with everything heightened, their emotions must be really intense. SO, in the show, they can just "turn them off."<br /><br />With my AS, I am in a similar position. I have really intense emotions. I believe that the "Aspie meltdowns" are just these intense emotions being released without any control. I have spent the past 38 years trying to gain control of my intense emotional responses to things, and STILL have difficulty doing it. The vampires in the show can just turn them off. I wish I could do that. I get tired, and I start yelling at my kids; I get stressed out, and I can feel my emotions boiling over. When I feel them boiling over, I get quiet, and try to walk away to be by myself. Others don't understand this - they think I am trying to avoid the problem. If I was a vampire, maybe they'd understand that I was different, but since I only have AS, they think I am trying to avoid the problem.<br /><br />If I was a vampire, when people I care about, like my wife, thought I was avoiding things, I could tutn off my emotions and do what needed to be done. I could do it without caring about what other people thought about it, or having to stop and explain it to my loved ones while trying to hold my cool. If I could turn off my emotions, I wouldn't need to worry about them.<br /><br />It makes sense to have immortal beings that can turn off emotions. Can you imagine the loneliness after seeing those you love grow old and die? Not being able to do what needs to be done without collateral damage? Turning off their emotions must be a survival instinct. If I had that ability as an Aspie, my life would be so much easier...<br /><br />
Monday, January 23, 2012
Now I Understand
Ever since talking to my coworker (I still have problems calling someone a friend - I feel like such a loner) on Friday, I have been thinking about why people with Asperger's have trouble with relationships. After all, I have been married for over 13 years (and with her for over 18 years) and I rarely feel like we have problems. Of course, I know that's not the truth, but I often forget the hard ties when they're gone and only remember the good times. This morning, I almost had a meltdown...
My wife was getting things ready for the kids lunches, and realized our cats had peed on a box of pouch drinks that she had gotten for her Girl Scout troop. Well, she blew up, causing our daughter (who is 9 and emotionally sensitive) to start crying. That made my wife blow up some more, and the cycle continued with my daughter bawling and my wife start complaining about how horrible her life is and how nobody cares about her. Meanwhile, I'm getting our son (who's 6) ready for school. All the while, I'm thinking, "Why can't they control their emotions? I can." At that point it hit me - I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN life. When I got married, I was committing myself to my wife for life. Now, there's TWO people whose lives I need to deal with. When our kids were born, I became partly responsible for their lives as well (that's FOUR). Now, I have enough trouble dealing with my own emotions and controlling them. I have trouble supporting myself and understanding my own actions and reactions to things, partly because I haven't been able to model my emotions and how they control my actions. NOW, because I am married with kids, I have to help three other people deal with their own emotions and realize how their actions affect others. I can barely do that for MYSELF, let alone anyone else! I don't know how many times in the past 13 years I have thought, "I wish I was alone!" If I was alone, I would be able to deal with my environment better than I do now since there would be less variables to deal with. On the other hand, if I WAS alone, I would have to separate from my wife and, worse, I wouldn't get to be with my kids as much.
My Asperger's makes my brain a very step-by-step, logical thinker. I deal well with things I can control, which makes me want to be alone often. But, I love my wife and kids and can't imagine being without them. I always find it interesting that fellow Aspies talk about their trouble with relationships and wish to have a long-lasting one. I am in a long-term relationship and often wish I wasn't. Maybe it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side...
My wife was getting things ready for the kids lunches, and realized our cats had peed on a box of pouch drinks that she had gotten for her Girl Scout troop. Well, she blew up, causing our daughter (who is 9 and emotionally sensitive) to start crying. That made my wife blow up some more, and the cycle continued with my daughter bawling and my wife start complaining about how horrible her life is and how nobody cares about her. Meanwhile, I'm getting our son (who's 6) ready for school. All the while, I'm thinking, "Why can't they control their emotions? I can." At that point it hit me - I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN life. When I got married, I was committing myself to my wife for life. Now, there's TWO people whose lives I need to deal with. When our kids were born, I became partly responsible for their lives as well (that's FOUR). Now, I have enough trouble dealing with my own emotions and controlling them. I have trouble supporting myself and understanding my own actions and reactions to things, partly because I haven't been able to model my emotions and how they control my actions. NOW, because I am married with kids, I have to help three other people deal with their own emotions and realize how their actions affect others. I can barely do that for MYSELF, let alone anyone else! I don't know how many times in the past 13 years I have thought, "I wish I was alone!" If I was alone, I would be able to deal with my environment better than I do now since there would be less variables to deal with. On the other hand, if I WAS alone, I would have to separate from my wife and, worse, I wouldn't get to be with my kids as much.
My Asperger's makes my brain a very step-by-step, logical thinker. I deal well with things I can control, which makes me want to be alone often. But, I love my wife and kids and can't imagine being without them. I always find it interesting that fellow Aspies talk about their trouble with relationships and wish to have a long-lasting one. I am in a long-term relationship and often wish I wasn't. Maybe it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side...
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Nice Day Today
Had a very nice day today. Dropped both kids off at friends' houses and got to spend the day with my wife. We've been a little stressed as a couple, sniping at each other due to lack of money (I'm only working part-time right now). But spending the day together today was really nice. Of course, it was not what she WANTED to do, so she thinks we got nothing done today, but it was still a nice day. But it wouldn't have always been that way...
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago, we were constantly stressed out and even the days we were together without the kids, weren't good days. We would spend days like that quiet and doing our own separate things. My inability to figure out the emotions of others was stressful for her since I never responded to her when she was upset, except for maybe trying to "fix" whatever was upsetting her. I also was keeping in my stress and not letting it out in the presence of others, so she never really knew what I was feeling. She would often guess, but was rarely right. Things I did confused her since I never reacted to situations in the same way she would, and when she'd question me about why I did what I did, I would get upset thinking she was telling me that I did it wrong. She cared about me and I cared about her (at least in my own way), but that was not enough. We needed to UNDERSTAND each other. Even the SUSPICION that I had Asperger's wasn't enough to help us understand each other.
All that changed with my official diagnosis. Instead of the suspicion that I was wired differently, it became real. Strategies that I had developed over my lifetime became more acceptable with the official diagnosis. Instead of just being strange, I was different for a reason. It made my marriage and my family life 1000X better. However, it had the OPPOSITE effect on my job...
I was brought back to memories of my diagnosis after I read an article about another marriage that was saved by an Asperger's diagnosis. And my GRASP message boards have had a number of threads about relationships. So, in addition to those, and helping my friend understand the failed relationship she had with someone who has Asperger's, I realized that my marriage is on of the great successes of my life. And, no matter how often I wish I was on my own, I wouldn't give up my family for the world!
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago, we were constantly stressed out and even the days we were together without the kids, weren't good days. We would spend days like that quiet and doing our own separate things. My inability to figure out the emotions of others was stressful for her since I never responded to her when she was upset, except for maybe trying to "fix" whatever was upsetting her. I also was keeping in my stress and not letting it out in the presence of others, so she never really knew what I was feeling. She would often guess, but was rarely right. Things I did confused her since I never reacted to situations in the same way she would, and when she'd question me about why I did what I did, I would get upset thinking she was telling me that I did it wrong. She cared about me and I cared about her (at least in my own way), but that was not enough. We needed to UNDERSTAND each other. Even the SUSPICION that I had Asperger's wasn't enough to help us understand each other.
All that changed with my official diagnosis. Instead of the suspicion that I was wired differently, it became real. Strategies that I had developed over my lifetime became more acceptable with the official diagnosis. Instead of just being strange, I was different for a reason. It made my marriage and my family life 1000X better. However, it had the OPPOSITE effect on my job...
I was brought back to memories of my diagnosis after I read an article about another marriage that was saved by an Asperger's diagnosis. And my GRASP message boards have had a number of threads about relationships. So, in addition to those, and helping my friend understand the failed relationship she had with someone who has Asperger's, I realized that my marriage is on of the great successes of my life. And, no matter how often I wish I was on my own, I wouldn't give up my family for the world!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Long Time No Talk
Well, it's been a while since I posted in this blog and a lot has happened. I've been unemployed, reemployed part-time, passed the last of the classes I need for certification, gotten my application in for my Initial Certification, been offered a full-time spot, and applied to become an astronaut (I know - that last one doesn't really fit...). And, one of my achievements that I a MOST proud of...
Yesterday, I helped a friend understand a little about how Aspies think. She is the other science teacher at my school. She joined the school part way through the year and has been actively working on organizing the Science Lab. She also likes to talk with me when she is working in there. Not that there's anything wrong with tat, but I typically like being by myself. I tend to zone out when she talks to me but, for some reason, I didn't yesterday. One of the things we talked about was someone she had had a relationship with who had AS. It hadn't worked out (he broke it off) and she had thought she had something to do with it. I explained to her how I am - that I have trouble expressing my emotions and that, since I have trouble telling my OWN emotions from one another, that it is even harder to deal with the emotions of another (empathy). She asked me about my wife and why I decided to get married and I told her that it was a decision I made to be with someone. I also told her that I need a lot more alone time than my wife would like me to, but that, especially since my diagnosis, she has been OK with it since it is who I am.
She was happy that I was so honest and forthright with her (another of my Aspie traits), and I told her that's just the way I am and that it often gets me in trouble, especially with my supervisors since they don't like me voicing my real opinions of them. She said she felt much better that it wasn't her fault that he had broken it off but that was just the way he was.
Well, gotta go. I have a little monkey squirming his way in! I'll try to post more often!
Yesterday, I helped a friend understand a little about how Aspies think. She is the other science teacher at my school. She joined the school part way through the year and has been actively working on organizing the Science Lab. She also likes to talk with me when she is working in there. Not that there's anything wrong with tat, but I typically like being by myself. I tend to zone out when she talks to me but, for some reason, I didn't yesterday. One of the things we talked about was someone she had had a relationship with who had AS. It hadn't worked out (he broke it off) and she had thought she had something to do with it. I explained to her how I am - that I have trouble expressing my emotions and that, since I have trouble telling my OWN emotions from one another, that it is even harder to deal with the emotions of another (empathy). She asked me about my wife and why I decided to get married and I told her that it was a decision I made to be with someone. I also told her that I need a lot more alone time than my wife would like me to, but that, especially since my diagnosis, she has been OK with it since it is who I am.
She was happy that I was so honest and forthright with her (another of my Aspie traits), and I told her that's just the way I am and that it often gets me in trouble, especially with my supervisors since they don't like me voicing my real opinions of them. She said she felt much better that it wasn't her fault that he had broken it off but that was just the way he was.
Well, gotta go. I have a little monkey squirming his way in! I'll try to post more often!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Start of My Post-Franklin Life
Well, it's been 3 days since graduation at Franklin for my last year of service and I am still upset that I was not able to be present there. I had my chance of saying goodbye to the kids taken away from me and am REALLY upset about it. I had trouble sleeping for two nights and went in on Monday to clean out my classroom. My supervisor, who was supposed to make sure that I got my stuff back passed it on to someone else, and I'm still waiting for it. She also asked me for some papers that the kids did. I will hold on to them until I get my stuff back. She'll claim I'm being petty or unprofessional (one of her favorite terms the past couple years) and that it's inappropriate (another of her favorite claims) for me to not follow directions like that and withhold the papers, but until I get my stuff back, I don't care.
I spent the past three years on probation with no written plan on how to get off of it. When I asked for help, I was told that they couldn't tell me what I needed to do and then wrote me up for not following through on my obligations, especially the ones I didn't know existed. I got written up for rules that didn't exist, and when I asked where they were written down, I got answers like, "I don't know why you're confused. This has been policy since you've been at Franklin," yet it was nowhere in writing in the Policy and Procedure Manual. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and gave them a letter from my psychologist with suggested accommodations, I was not given any of them, which was in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. They even went so far as to say my perception was skewed and they didn't care why (it was the AS).
Now, for a school that has a mission of "Franklin Academy provides students with Nonverbal Learning Differences and Asperger's Syndrome the academic and social skills to become life-long learners, to pursue college and career goals, and to enjoy fulfilling lives," (quoted directly from their website: http://www.fa-ct.org/mission.html ), they sure don't offer employees with AS any consideration (did they actually say CAREER in their mission statement? They made me hate my job there, even though I loved working with the kids). Add to that the fact that for 8 years, since they opened to students, I have been a popular teacher and that, in the words of one employee of the school, I understood the students better than anyone else (maybe it's because I actually HAVE the same disorder that many of the students have...didn't they notice that in 8 years?).
That brings up a few questions in my mind. First, if they REALLY care about helping these kids with AS and NLD pursue college and career goals, why wouldn't they support a teacher that was diagnosed WITH the same disorder as the population they served, especially a POPULAR teacher? Wouldn't that have been to their benefit? What could they have learned from an adult with AS and the coping strategies this teacher had developed over his lifetime? If they don't care about the "skewed perspective" of someone with AS, what DO they care about? How are they helping these kids, by making them more NORMAL? Would they want these kids to lose the strengths they get from their disability, like the unique perspective and creative problem-solving strategies?
I think there is too much effort spent on making kids fit into a mold nowadays. When I was in school, we were all allowed to be ourselves. Now, they are told to be like everyone else. Let kids learn their own way and be who they were meant to be, not who everyone else thinks is NORMAL. They'll be much better off for it.
I spent the past three years on probation with no written plan on how to get off of it. When I asked for help, I was told that they couldn't tell me what I needed to do and then wrote me up for not following through on my obligations, especially the ones I didn't know existed. I got written up for rules that didn't exist, and when I asked where they were written down, I got answers like, "I don't know why you're confused. This has been policy since you've been at Franklin," yet it was nowhere in writing in the Policy and Procedure Manual. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and gave them a letter from my psychologist with suggested accommodations, I was not given any of them, which was in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. They even went so far as to say my perception was skewed and they didn't care why (it was the AS).
Now, for a school that has a mission of "Franklin Academy provides students with Nonverbal Learning Differences and Asperger's Syndrome the academic and social skills to become life-long learners, to pursue college and career goals, and to enjoy fulfilling lives," (quoted directly from their website: http://www.fa-ct.org/mission.html ), they sure don't offer employees with AS any consideration (did they actually say CAREER in their mission statement? They made me hate my job there, even though I loved working with the kids). Add to that the fact that for 8 years, since they opened to students, I have been a popular teacher and that, in the words of one employee of the school, I understood the students better than anyone else (maybe it's because I actually HAVE the same disorder that many of the students have...didn't they notice that in 8 years?).
That brings up a few questions in my mind. First, if they REALLY care about helping these kids with AS and NLD pursue college and career goals, why wouldn't they support a teacher that was diagnosed WITH the same disorder as the population they served, especially a POPULAR teacher? Wouldn't that have been to their benefit? What could they have learned from an adult with AS and the coping strategies this teacher had developed over his lifetime? If they don't care about the "skewed perspective" of someone with AS, what DO they care about? How are they helping these kids, by making them more NORMAL? Would they want these kids to lose the strengths they get from their disability, like the unique perspective and creative problem-solving strategies?
I think there is too much effort spent on making kids fit into a mold nowadays. When I was in school, we were all allowed to be ourselves. Now, they are told to be like everyone else. Let kids learn their own way and be who they were meant to be, not who everyone else thinks is NORMAL. They'll be much better off for it.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Life Shouldn't Be This Hard
Well, it's been one month since my formal diagnosis with mild to moderate Asperger's Syndrome, and it has been a rough month. First, my team leadership got on my case for not having it in writing, despite the fact that I had a very restrictive set of times that I could get appointments to meet with my psychologist to GET the letter. Then, once I DID get to meet with him, I ended up going on administrative leave for almost a week to make a decision on whether I would resign from my job, continue to be defiant (which was just me saying that their feedback wasn't concise and explicit enough) and force them to terminate my contract, or agree to work with administration to develop a plan to get through the rest of the year. Then, the headmaster threatened me with a poor recommendation if I didn't agree to the last option. It's funny that his official "letter" forgot to mention the first two options...can we say "not entirely legal"? Apparently, if that comes up, he'll deny ever saying it!
Anyway, this past two weeks has been the least stressful of the past 3 years since I first filed a Worker's Compensation claim against the school, and possibly the least stressful since my family moved off campus 4 years ago. Plus, add to that the fact that I wouldn't be getting a raise for 8 years based on the new pay scale, and I would be dead next year. NOW, I can continue my education and get my teacher's certification without having to jump through hoops for show!
Well, I have to go now. The play has started and I should show my face. It's been nice relaxing and blogging. I should post later about NTs and their insistance that Aspie thought is incorrect since it is in the minority.
Dave
Anyway, this past two weeks has been the least stressful of the past 3 years since I first filed a Worker's Compensation claim against the school, and possibly the least stressful since my family moved off campus 4 years ago. Plus, add to that the fact that I wouldn't be getting a raise for 8 years based on the new pay scale, and I would be dead next year. NOW, I can continue my education and get my teacher's certification without having to jump through hoops for show!
Well, I have to go now. The play has started and I should show my face. It's been nice relaxing and blogging. I should post later about NTs and their insistance that Aspie thought is incorrect since it is in the minority.
Dave
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