It really sucks sometimes having AS and not being able to feel "shades of grey" in my emotions. We went to my in-laws for Christmas and then stayed there overnight. My wife's grandmother started giving away some of her serving pieces and antique ornaments - everyone seemed to be slightly emotional - except for me. I had a hard time getting all misty-eyed over it. I love this lady dearly, and as much as I can't imagine holidays without her, she's still here, and she has been doing stuff like this for the past 19 years since I first MET her! Why is doing it at 88 any different than doing it at 69? Yes, she's 19 years closer to the great beyond, but so are all of us, right? So, my wife and kids got all teary-eyed at this while we were at my mother-in-law's overnight, and I just had to get out of the room. I couldn't stand being in the middle of all that emotional upset over someone who was still here. Of course, my wife still cannot understand why I don't get upset over these kind of things. I can't seem to explain to her that it is part of my AS - the inability to understand feelings that do not apply to me. When Memere finally passes on, I will be extremely upset, just as I was when my own grandparents passed away. When that happened 10 years ago, everyone could tell I was upset, except for me, of course. My emotions are either expressed externally full blast or they are not expressed at all. So, I won't be able to tell, since my own reactions will be so subtle that I won't notice, but others who have NO problems with interpreting non-verbal cues will be able to read me like an open book.
This inability to read my emotional state and that of others is really frustrating to me, especially in my role as a husband and parent, and doubly so around the holidays. This is mostly because I interact with so many more people that I care about, and I want to help them all be comfortable and happy. When things like Memere giving away her serving pieces comes up, and those I care about are upset and I can't figure out why or, more importantly, what I can do to make them feel better, I tend to get a little down. This is where my AS really frustrates me. The strengths I have and the other weaknesses I have are secondary to this inability to help those I care about feel better about whatever is bothering them.
Tony Attwood, the leading expert in the world on AS said in a talk once that he was explaining to a couple parents about their son's AS diagnosis. The mother was all upset and crying, but the father made no move to comfort her. He said that the wife, in a separate session later asked if her husband had AS as well, which is what Tony said he suspected. When he asked the husband if he noticed his wife was upset, the husband replied, "Yes." When Tony asked why he didn't do anything to comfort her, the husband replied, "I didn't know how to make her feel better and was afraid to do the wrong thing." THAT is exactly how I feel. I can tell when someone is upset, but am never sure how to handle it. I have, at times, moved to comfort the person only to be told that they wanted to be alone or needed space. Other times, I have been told that they needed a hug, but I went to leave them alone.
For those of you out there who know someone with AS, remember that they often care about people and want them to be happy. However, they rarely can tell what emotions people are feeling and, even when they can, they rarely know how to react. So, keep that in mind when you're feeling happy or sad, anger or joy, and a person with AS is looking lost about what to do. If you need a hug, ask them for one. They'll probably be more than happy to give you one, and it will make you BOTH feel better.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
My Recent Insight
As anyone who has read my blog name can tell, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Now, with what happened 9 days ago, Asperger's has been in the news a lot, both negative and positive mentions. The mention that Adam Lanza had Autism or Asperger's brought a lot of negative attention to Autism Spectrum Disorders, especially by those who, having no idea what people with ASDs are really like, suggested that his lack of empathy (being able to 'feel' the emotions of others) and others inability to see emotions in his face (lack of affect) caused him to do what he did.
Others, who know people on the spectrum, or are on the spectrum themselves, spoke out against these negative comments, and rightly so. Others suggested that the US needs to do more to support and identify people with mental illnesses that might be likely to do things like this (our current system supports these individuals with tons of support, but ONLY until they graduate from high school - then they're left on their own). Even more people suggested that people in the US see mental, psychological and neurological (nervous system) differences as incurable and, therefore, not the same as PHYSICAL illness.
Recently, I was talking with someone about this recent incident, and he asked me how I felt about it. I said that, as a parent, husband and teacher, I felt the need to be strong, and support those I cared about in dealing with it in their own way. He said, "No, I was wondering how you FELT about it - what feelings did you experience?" I sat and thought about that for a while before answering. "I really felt nothing about it other than about how it would affect those I cared about." This response kind of surprised him, although he knows I have Asperger's, he had trouble realizing that I would deal with it in a more logical, objective manner, than in a subjective, emotional way. That led us to a discussion about empathy and how Aspies express empathy vs. neurotypicals. This discussion was very enlightening, and made me realize that, despite being an Aspie, I STILL don't understand empathy, even though I experience it and NEVER show it in the same way that neurotypicals do.
Empathy is described as the ability to 'feel' the feelings of others or, at least, the ability to understand how others will feel in response to something. For many people, this means that they end up feeling the same feelings that someone else is/will be feeling in response to an event. For example, if you are watching a movie and a guy gets kicked in the groin, most of the guys in the audience will groan. That's because they have experienced this pain before, and can just imagine what the character is going through (as a guy, I can say you never forget that feeling, even if you only experience it once!). That is more of a physical expression of empathy, though. Many women watching never react in that way, being built differently, and can't imagine the feeling (although, I've heard that childbirth is many times worse...). However, they can realize that the character is going through physical pain, and often even feel sorry for him.
For an Aspie, we experience empathy, but more in the way women feel sorry for they male movie character that was kicked in the groin. We realize how others may feel, and, especially if those people are close to us, we want to cure that pain, to make them feel better. We feel sorrow for those who are affected. However, we don't tend to show those emotions (sorrow, the desire to make things better) in the same way that others would. In my case, my emotions are really extreme - they are either expressed full force or they are not expressed at all. I am either full force crying, screaming, yelling or not expressing anything. Many people have difficulty understanding this about me, even those who are closest to me. So, to many people, it appears as if I have no empathy, when in reality, I do, I am just not expressing it in a way that people would recognize.
So, did Adam Lanza have Asperger's? I don't know. But, if he did, then he didn't lack from empathy like most people suggested, but his flat affect might have made people think so!
I have Asperger's Syndrome, but I, like MILLIONS of other Aspies, do not lack empathy, we just experience is, and SHOW it differently.
Others, who know people on the spectrum, or are on the spectrum themselves, spoke out against these negative comments, and rightly so. Others suggested that the US needs to do more to support and identify people with mental illnesses that might be likely to do things like this (our current system supports these individuals with tons of support, but ONLY until they graduate from high school - then they're left on their own). Even more people suggested that people in the US see mental, psychological and neurological (nervous system) differences as incurable and, therefore, not the same as PHYSICAL illness.
Recently, I was talking with someone about this recent incident, and he asked me how I felt about it. I said that, as a parent, husband and teacher, I felt the need to be strong, and support those I cared about in dealing with it in their own way. He said, "No, I was wondering how you FELT about it - what feelings did you experience?" I sat and thought about that for a while before answering. "I really felt nothing about it other than about how it would affect those I cared about." This response kind of surprised him, although he knows I have Asperger's, he had trouble realizing that I would deal with it in a more logical, objective manner, than in a subjective, emotional way. That led us to a discussion about empathy and how Aspies express empathy vs. neurotypicals. This discussion was very enlightening, and made me realize that, despite being an Aspie, I STILL don't understand empathy, even though I experience it and NEVER show it in the same way that neurotypicals do.
Empathy is described as the ability to 'feel' the feelings of others or, at least, the ability to understand how others will feel in response to something. For many people, this means that they end up feeling the same feelings that someone else is/will be feeling in response to an event. For example, if you are watching a movie and a guy gets kicked in the groin, most of the guys in the audience will groan. That's because they have experienced this pain before, and can just imagine what the character is going through (as a guy, I can say you never forget that feeling, even if you only experience it once!). That is more of a physical expression of empathy, though. Many women watching never react in that way, being built differently, and can't imagine the feeling (although, I've heard that childbirth is many times worse...). However, they can realize that the character is going through physical pain, and often even feel sorry for him.
For an Aspie, we experience empathy, but more in the way women feel sorry for they male movie character that was kicked in the groin. We realize how others may feel, and, especially if those people are close to us, we want to cure that pain, to make them feel better. We feel sorrow for those who are affected. However, we don't tend to show those emotions (sorrow, the desire to make things better) in the same way that others would. In my case, my emotions are really extreme - they are either expressed full force or they are not expressed at all. I am either full force crying, screaming, yelling or not expressing anything. Many people have difficulty understanding this about me, even those who are closest to me. So, to many people, it appears as if I have no empathy, when in reality, I do, I am just not expressing it in a way that people would recognize.
So, did Adam Lanza have Asperger's? I don't know. But, if he did, then he didn't lack from empathy like most people suggested, but his flat affect might have made people think so!
I have Asperger's Syndrome, but I, like MILLIONS of other Aspies, do not lack empathy, we just experience is, and SHOW it differently.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Asperger's and Sandy Hook
I am writing in this blog for the first time in six months. This is brought about by the incident in Newtown, CT, where a single person took it upon himself to try and destroy a whole school of children for some unknown reason. I first heard about it while teaching a class of my own. I am a math teacher and learning specialist in Hartford at a private school and work with kids from grade 6-12, some of which have learning disabilities. My son is 7 - he is the same age as some of the victims...I had trouble understanding why someone would do something like this, especially to students in a school.
Later that night, I was at my faculty's holiday party, my supervisor turned to me and said, "Did you hear the reports that the shooter had Asperger's?" (I've told her about my diagnosis - I feel THAT comfortable at this school!) "I'm afraid that this is going to really hurt our students on the spectrum if that is true. Even just REPORTING it is enough to make them question themselves!" I told her that I hadn't heard that report yet, but that I'd look into it.
When I got home, I saw in my e-mail a link to a statement from GRASP (The Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership) head, Michael John Carley. I also read a statement from the AANE (Asperger's Association of New England) and an article by John Elder Robison in Psychology Today. All of these Asperger's support groups and well-known individuals with Asperger's essentially said the same thing: saying that the shooter, Adam Lanza, had Asperger's Syndrome or Autism makes people look at EVERYONE on the spectrum as having the POTENTIAL of being a mass murderer. I have sent her and the school counselor links to these articles, and others like them.
As an individual with Asperger's Syndrome, I can tell you that my difficulty is NOT with violence, being unable to tell right from wrong, or having no feelings for others. I have difficulty COMMUNICATING those feelings to others in ways that they might understand. I care deeply about those close to me, I hurt when they hurt (and often hurt even when they feel better), I melt down sometimes when things get overwhelming, but I usually end up shutting down, not getting violent. I could NEVER take a life.
I have also been diagnosed with depression, but that doesn't make me a bad person either. I was been diagnosed with migraines at age seven, but have never killed anyone because of them. As John Elder Robison pointed out, most school killers are Caucasian males. Does that mean that because I am a Caucasian male that I will be a school killer? NO! Lanza is an Italian name - so what does that mean about males of Italian descent?
We cannot judge this event based on Adam Lanza's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, or anything else, without looking at a lot of other factors as well. Did he have a history of violence? Was he bullied as a kid? Was he REALLY diagnosed with Asperger's, or was it just something his brother Ryan said (I heard a report this morning which stated, "...his brother Ryan told police that he had a mental illness, like Asperger's or Autism...")? We may never know why he did it, even if we know everything about him.
We need, in this country, a stronger emphasis on those with psychological, personality and neurological disorders (Asperger's being one of the latter, NOT a mental illness, but a disorder in the nerve makeup of the brain). By being able to diagnose these disorders sooner in life, we would be able to help those with them learn how to cope with their differences. This might (or might not, but I think it would work) reduce the number of "mentally ill" people in the country who would be likely to commit acts like this.
Also, the APA needs to back off it's desire to eliminate the Asperger's diagnosis, among others. People like me, who are able to receive support for our differences under the DSM-IV-R will, in many cases of higher functioning individuals, be classified as "normal" under the DSM-5. Will these new criteria help or hurt in the diagnosis and treatment of those with disorders? Would the DSM-5 have identified Adam Lanza before he committed this heinous crime? If not, then they need to go back to the drawing board.
So, if you are someone reading this who is not on the spectrum, take the news reports on Adam Lanza and his Asperger's with a grain of salt. He may have been an individual on the Autism Spectrum, but that was NOT the reason he did this. There was some other reason, something outside of the Spectrum diagnosis, maybe something he went through BECAUSE of his diagnosis (bullying, teasing, etc.). And, even if he did HAVE Asperger's Syndrome, his violence puts him in the minority of Aspies who become violent. Just like his being a Caucasian male of Italian descent did not make him commit this crime. And, above all else, allow those with Asperger's Syndrome the benefit of the doubt. Most of them are the nicest, most interesting people that you'll ever meet, and they'd rarely hurt a fly!
Later that night, I was at my faculty's holiday party, my supervisor turned to me and said, "Did you hear the reports that the shooter had Asperger's?" (I've told her about my diagnosis - I feel THAT comfortable at this school!) "I'm afraid that this is going to really hurt our students on the spectrum if that is true. Even just REPORTING it is enough to make them question themselves!" I told her that I hadn't heard that report yet, but that I'd look into it.
When I got home, I saw in my e-mail a link to a statement from GRASP (The Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership) head, Michael John Carley. I also read a statement from the AANE (Asperger's Association of New England) and an article by John Elder Robison in Psychology Today. All of these Asperger's support groups and well-known individuals with Asperger's essentially said the same thing: saying that the shooter, Adam Lanza, had Asperger's Syndrome or Autism makes people look at EVERYONE on the spectrum as having the POTENTIAL of being a mass murderer. I have sent her and the school counselor links to these articles, and others like them.
As an individual with Asperger's Syndrome, I can tell you that my difficulty is NOT with violence, being unable to tell right from wrong, or having no feelings for others. I have difficulty COMMUNICATING those feelings to others in ways that they might understand. I care deeply about those close to me, I hurt when they hurt (and often hurt even when they feel better), I melt down sometimes when things get overwhelming, but I usually end up shutting down, not getting violent. I could NEVER take a life.
I have also been diagnosed with depression, but that doesn't make me a bad person either. I was been diagnosed with migraines at age seven, but have never killed anyone because of them. As John Elder Robison pointed out, most school killers are Caucasian males. Does that mean that because I am a Caucasian male that I will be a school killer? NO! Lanza is an Italian name - so what does that mean about males of Italian descent?
We cannot judge this event based on Adam Lanza's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, or anything else, without looking at a lot of other factors as well. Did he have a history of violence? Was he bullied as a kid? Was he REALLY diagnosed with Asperger's, or was it just something his brother Ryan said (I heard a report this morning which stated, "...his brother Ryan told police that he had a mental illness, like Asperger's or Autism...")? We may never know why he did it, even if we know everything about him.
We need, in this country, a stronger emphasis on those with psychological, personality and neurological disorders (Asperger's being one of the latter, NOT a mental illness, but a disorder in the nerve makeup of the brain). By being able to diagnose these disorders sooner in life, we would be able to help those with them learn how to cope with their differences. This might (or might not, but I think it would work) reduce the number of "mentally ill" people in the country who would be likely to commit acts like this.
Also, the APA needs to back off it's desire to eliminate the Asperger's diagnosis, among others. People like me, who are able to receive support for our differences under the DSM-IV-R will, in many cases of higher functioning individuals, be classified as "normal" under the DSM-5. Will these new criteria help or hurt in the diagnosis and treatment of those with disorders? Would the DSM-5 have identified Adam Lanza before he committed this heinous crime? If not, then they need to go back to the drawing board.
So, if you are someone reading this who is not on the spectrum, take the news reports on Adam Lanza and his Asperger's with a grain of salt. He may have been an individual on the Autism Spectrum, but that was NOT the reason he did this. There was some other reason, something outside of the Spectrum diagnosis, maybe something he went through BECAUSE of his diagnosis (bullying, teasing, etc.). And, even if he did HAVE Asperger's Syndrome, his violence puts him in the minority of Aspies who become violent. Just like his being a Caucasian male of Italian descent did not make him commit this crime. And, above all else, allow those with Asperger's Syndrome the benefit of the doubt. Most of them are the nicest, most interesting people that you'll ever meet, and they'd rarely hurt a fly!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What is it with NT's????
Had a really bad weekend this weekend. No $$ for anything, even gas. Had to finagle it so we could get places without the tank running dry. When I brought up the need to borrow money to get her gas for the week, she got all pissed off. When she asked how she was going to get places without gas, I said "I don't know." She started freaking out about our lack of money and saying how would we survive with no money. I told her to get a job, and she came right out and told me that it was my fault that we had no money, because if I had been able to keep my mouth shut, I wouldn't have been fired from a job where we had PLENTY of money. The thing is, she really doesn't know what was going on, and that job was KILLING me. I was working 80 hour weeks, 6 days a week, and getting constant grief FROM HER about never being home. Now, I am starting my tutoring business, and she STILL complains that I'm never home! NOTHING will ever be good enough for her! I can never make her happy - I wonder if therapy can even help...maybe our marriage is on its way out...
As an Aspie, I have problems with emotion, but at least my logical mind CAN find happiness. Some NTs can only see the negative emotions - they can never be happy if all they see is sorrow and the bad life has to offer.
As an Aspie, I have problems with emotion, but at least my logical mind CAN find happiness. Some NTs can only see the negative emotions - they can never be happy if all they see is sorrow and the bad life has to offer.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I Wish I was a Vampire
I have been watching <u>The Vampire Diaries</u> since it started airing. In its 3rd season, I am finding it to be an interesting take on vampires. Granted, given some of the RECENT vampire novels/movies, I can see how some people might be thinking, "Oh, no, not another SPARKLY vampire love story!" but it's actually pretty realistic when it comes to vampire lore and physiology. What I like about this show's portrayal of vampires is their emotions. Being supernatural beings , they are immortal. However, they used to be human, unlike most other supernaturals. Therefore, they still have emotions and these still have an effect on them.<br /><br />Think about it...vampres are not human, they are closer to animals with human shapes and histories. They have heightened senses (being predatorial) and will kill to survive (food/blood, threats, etc.), but they still have to deal with human emotions over what they do (regret, etc.). Plus, with everything heightened, their emotions must be really intense. SO, in the show, they can just "turn them off."<br /><br />With my AS, I am in a similar position. I have really intense emotions. I believe that the "Aspie meltdowns" are just these intense emotions being released without any control. I have spent the past 38 years trying to gain control of my intense emotional responses to things, and STILL have difficulty doing it. The vampires in the show can just turn them off. I wish I could do that. I get tired, and I start yelling at my kids; I get stressed out, and I can feel my emotions boiling over. When I feel them boiling over, I get quiet, and try to walk away to be by myself. Others don't understand this - they think I am trying to avoid the problem. If I was a vampire, maybe they'd understand that I was different, but since I only have AS, they think I am trying to avoid the problem.<br /><br />If I was a vampire, when people I care about, like my wife, thought I was avoiding things, I could tutn off my emotions and do what needed to be done. I could do it without caring about what other people thought about it, or having to stop and explain it to my loved ones while trying to hold my cool. If I could turn off my emotions, I wouldn't need to worry about them.<br /><br />It makes sense to have immortal beings that can turn off emotions. Can you imagine the loneliness after seeing those you love grow old and die? Not being able to do what needs to be done without collateral damage? Turning off their emotions must be a survival instinct. If I had that ability as an Aspie, my life would be so much easier...<br /><br />
Monday, January 23, 2012
Now I Understand
Ever since talking to my coworker (I still have problems calling someone a friend - I feel like such a loner) on Friday, I have been thinking about why people with Asperger's have trouble with relationships. After all, I have been married for over 13 years (and with her for over 18 years) and I rarely feel like we have problems. Of course, I know that's not the truth, but I often forget the hard ties when they're gone and only remember the good times. This morning, I almost had a meltdown...
My wife was getting things ready for the kids lunches, and realized our cats had peed on a box of pouch drinks that she had gotten for her Girl Scout troop. Well, she blew up, causing our daughter (who is 9 and emotionally sensitive) to start crying. That made my wife blow up some more, and the cycle continued with my daughter bawling and my wife start complaining about how horrible her life is and how nobody cares about her. Meanwhile, I'm getting our son (who's 6) ready for school. All the while, I'm thinking, "Why can't they control their emotions? I can." At that point it hit me - I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN life. When I got married, I was committing myself to my wife for life. Now, there's TWO people whose lives I need to deal with. When our kids were born, I became partly responsible for their lives as well (that's FOUR). Now, I have enough trouble dealing with my own emotions and controlling them. I have trouble supporting myself and understanding my own actions and reactions to things, partly because I haven't been able to model my emotions and how they control my actions. NOW, because I am married with kids, I have to help three other people deal with their own emotions and realize how their actions affect others. I can barely do that for MYSELF, let alone anyone else! I don't know how many times in the past 13 years I have thought, "I wish I was alone!" If I was alone, I would be able to deal with my environment better than I do now since there would be less variables to deal with. On the other hand, if I WAS alone, I would have to separate from my wife and, worse, I wouldn't get to be with my kids as much.
My Asperger's makes my brain a very step-by-step, logical thinker. I deal well with things I can control, which makes me want to be alone often. But, I love my wife and kids and can't imagine being without them. I always find it interesting that fellow Aspies talk about their trouble with relationships and wish to have a long-lasting one. I am in a long-term relationship and often wish I wasn't. Maybe it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side...
My wife was getting things ready for the kids lunches, and realized our cats had peed on a box of pouch drinks that she had gotten for her Girl Scout troop. Well, she blew up, causing our daughter (who is 9 and emotionally sensitive) to start crying. That made my wife blow up some more, and the cycle continued with my daughter bawling and my wife start complaining about how horrible her life is and how nobody cares about her. Meanwhile, I'm getting our son (who's 6) ready for school. All the while, I'm thinking, "Why can't they control their emotions? I can." At that point it hit me - I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN life. When I got married, I was committing myself to my wife for life. Now, there's TWO people whose lives I need to deal with. When our kids were born, I became partly responsible for their lives as well (that's FOUR). Now, I have enough trouble dealing with my own emotions and controlling them. I have trouble supporting myself and understanding my own actions and reactions to things, partly because I haven't been able to model my emotions and how they control my actions. NOW, because I am married with kids, I have to help three other people deal with their own emotions and realize how their actions affect others. I can barely do that for MYSELF, let alone anyone else! I don't know how many times in the past 13 years I have thought, "I wish I was alone!" If I was alone, I would be able to deal with my environment better than I do now since there would be less variables to deal with. On the other hand, if I WAS alone, I would have to separate from my wife and, worse, I wouldn't get to be with my kids as much.
My Asperger's makes my brain a very step-by-step, logical thinker. I deal well with things I can control, which makes me want to be alone often. But, I love my wife and kids and can't imagine being without them. I always find it interesting that fellow Aspies talk about their trouble with relationships and wish to have a long-lasting one. I am in a long-term relationship and often wish I wasn't. Maybe it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side...
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Nice Day Today
Had a very nice day today. Dropped both kids off at friends' houses and got to spend the day with my wife. We've been a little stressed as a couple, sniping at each other due to lack of money (I'm only working part-time right now). But spending the day together today was really nice. Of course, it was not what she WANTED to do, so she thinks we got nothing done today, but it was still a nice day. But it wouldn't have always been that way...
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago, we were constantly stressed out and even the days we were together without the kids, weren't good days. We would spend days like that quiet and doing our own separate things. My inability to figure out the emotions of others was stressful for her since I never responded to her when she was upset, except for maybe trying to "fix" whatever was upsetting her. I also was keeping in my stress and not letting it out in the presence of others, so she never really knew what I was feeling. She would often guess, but was rarely right. Things I did confused her since I never reacted to situations in the same way she would, and when she'd question me about why I did what I did, I would get upset thinking she was telling me that I did it wrong. She cared about me and I cared about her (at least in my own way), but that was not enough. We needed to UNDERSTAND each other. Even the SUSPICION that I had Asperger's wasn't enough to help us understand each other.
All that changed with my official diagnosis. Instead of the suspicion that I was wired differently, it became real. Strategies that I had developed over my lifetime became more acceptable with the official diagnosis. Instead of just being strange, I was different for a reason. It made my marriage and my family life 1000X better. However, it had the OPPOSITE effect on my job...
I was brought back to memories of my diagnosis after I read an article about another marriage that was saved by an Asperger's diagnosis. And my GRASP message boards have had a number of threads about relationships. So, in addition to those, and helping my friend understand the failed relationship she had with someone who has Asperger's, I realized that my marriage is on of the great successes of my life. And, no matter how often I wish I was on my own, I wouldn't give up my family for the world!
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago, we were constantly stressed out and even the days we were together without the kids, weren't good days. We would spend days like that quiet and doing our own separate things. My inability to figure out the emotions of others was stressful for her since I never responded to her when she was upset, except for maybe trying to "fix" whatever was upsetting her. I also was keeping in my stress and not letting it out in the presence of others, so she never really knew what I was feeling. She would often guess, but was rarely right. Things I did confused her since I never reacted to situations in the same way she would, and when she'd question me about why I did what I did, I would get upset thinking she was telling me that I did it wrong. She cared about me and I cared about her (at least in my own way), but that was not enough. We needed to UNDERSTAND each other. Even the SUSPICION that I had Asperger's wasn't enough to help us understand each other.
All that changed with my official diagnosis. Instead of the suspicion that I was wired differently, it became real. Strategies that I had developed over my lifetime became more acceptable with the official diagnosis. Instead of just being strange, I was different for a reason. It made my marriage and my family life 1000X better. However, it had the OPPOSITE effect on my job...
I was brought back to memories of my diagnosis after I read an article about another marriage that was saved by an Asperger's diagnosis. And my GRASP message boards have had a number of threads about relationships. So, in addition to those, and helping my friend understand the failed relationship she had with someone who has Asperger's, I realized that my marriage is on of the great successes of my life. And, no matter how often I wish I was on my own, I wouldn't give up my family for the world!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Long Time No Talk
Well, it's been a while since I posted in this blog and a lot has happened. I've been unemployed, reemployed part-time, passed the last of the classes I need for certification, gotten my application in for my Initial Certification, been offered a full-time spot, and applied to become an astronaut (I know - that last one doesn't really fit...). And, one of my achievements that I a MOST proud of...
Yesterday, I helped a friend understand a little about how Aspies think. She is the other science teacher at my school. She joined the school part way through the year and has been actively working on organizing the Science Lab. She also likes to talk with me when she is working in there. Not that there's anything wrong with tat, but I typically like being by myself. I tend to zone out when she talks to me but, for some reason, I didn't yesterday. One of the things we talked about was someone she had had a relationship with who had AS. It hadn't worked out (he broke it off) and she had thought she had something to do with it. I explained to her how I am - that I have trouble expressing my emotions and that, since I have trouble telling my OWN emotions from one another, that it is even harder to deal with the emotions of another (empathy). She asked me about my wife and why I decided to get married and I told her that it was a decision I made to be with someone. I also told her that I need a lot more alone time than my wife would like me to, but that, especially since my diagnosis, she has been OK with it since it is who I am.
She was happy that I was so honest and forthright with her (another of my Aspie traits), and I told her that's just the way I am and that it often gets me in trouble, especially with my supervisors since they don't like me voicing my real opinions of them. She said she felt much better that it wasn't her fault that he had broken it off but that was just the way he was.
Well, gotta go. I have a little monkey squirming his way in! I'll try to post more often!
Yesterday, I helped a friend understand a little about how Aspies think. She is the other science teacher at my school. She joined the school part way through the year and has been actively working on organizing the Science Lab. She also likes to talk with me when she is working in there. Not that there's anything wrong with tat, but I typically like being by myself. I tend to zone out when she talks to me but, for some reason, I didn't yesterday. One of the things we talked about was someone she had had a relationship with who had AS. It hadn't worked out (he broke it off) and she had thought she had something to do with it. I explained to her how I am - that I have trouble expressing my emotions and that, since I have trouble telling my OWN emotions from one another, that it is even harder to deal with the emotions of another (empathy). She asked me about my wife and why I decided to get married and I told her that it was a decision I made to be with someone. I also told her that I need a lot more alone time than my wife would like me to, but that, especially since my diagnosis, she has been OK with it since it is who I am.
She was happy that I was so honest and forthright with her (another of my Aspie traits), and I told her that's just the way I am and that it often gets me in trouble, especially with my supervisors since they don't like me voicing my real opinions of them. She said she felt much better that it wasn't her fault that he had broken it off but that was just the way he was.
Well, gotta go. I have a little monkey squirming his way in! I'll try to post more often!
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