Now, I am not one to admit this, but I sometimes get anxiety. I HATE the fact that I sometimes feel anxious - I always like to think of myself as a calm, level-headed guy, but I am not always like that. Plus, it's not enough to interfere with my daily functioning. Not to say that it doesn't interfere, just that compared to my other issues (i.e. my depression, my Asperger's, my social issues), the level to which my anxiety affects my daily functioning is miniscule. However, I got an e-mail last night that has me feeling anxious, and it makes me want to avoid doing anything today.
Now, growing up with Asperger's, I often saw things around me differently than others did. I never felt the same way that others did, my sense of humor was different, I was more creative than many of my peers and had single areas in which I was interested, and they were NEVER the same as my peers. I was often told by others that I saw things in the wrong way, or that my perspective was warped. So, as a result, I came to question when people wanted to talk to me about things, not telling me what they were about first. What did I do? Am I in trouble? What's wrong now?
As I got older, I began to not care about what people thought of me. "I do the best I can," I'd say to myself. "If people don't like it, or who I am, then to Hell with them!" As I got into the workforce, I thought the same thing about my job. If my boss asked me to do something, I did the best I could. If it wasn't good enough, then I tried to do better, but I realized that some people are impossible to please. So, if my best was still not good enough, then too bad. This doesn't mean that I didn't want feedback or help in getting better, but mostly that sometimes when I asked for help, I wasn't given any.
THEN, I began to work at a school where they were very supportive of the teachers. I wasn't told to figure out things for myself, and if something happened, I was told about it as soon as possible, rather than weeks/months/years later. But, still, every time someone comes to me and says, "We need to meet," I get anxious about it. I spent so much of my life thinking about what I had done wrong and how I was going to be "punished" for it, that I have little faith in those around me. I am slowly trying to work out that scar tissue and heal the mistrust and lack of help that marked my past (at a school which is supposed to HELP people with Asperger's learn to get by in the world, but yet they weren't willing to help me because, as an adult, I "...should already KNOW how to do things" - figure THAT ONE out!).
I like to think of myself as not being an anxious person, but I am human. Anxiety and stress are part of the life of every person. What we can control is how much that anxiety controls our lives and what we do. I try not to let it control my life, but every once in a while, it shows up and can halt my normal functioning. In these instances, I need to learn (and the learning curve is steep!) to not let it get to me.
So, I started this post this morning, when I had gotten my notice of a meeting, and one that was important at that. But, it all turned out for the best, and I feel that this person was really out to help me become a better teacher, not, like others in the past, to punish me for some sort of transgression. My anxiety got in the way, for about 18 hours between the e-mail and my meeting, but I powered through it and now feel like I have people looking out for me, which is a wonderful feeling - one which I haven't had in a long, LONG time!
Until next time!
Dave
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
"A Robot without Emotion"
I haven't written in a while, over two months, and, other than keeping myself busy at work, I can't think of WHY I haven't written. I have really wanted to sit down and write a few times, but usually let myself get caught up in something else and the urge to blog went away again. It's probably due to the fact that if I'm upset, writing helps me to process my feelings, and, having (self-diagnosed) alexithymia, in addition to my Asperger's, I have difficulty interpreting my own emotions. Time also accomplishes this same goal, and I think that in the past couple of months, I was able to process my feelings when I was upset by withdrawing into myself and figuring out what had upset me so that I could logically deal with it. It's similar to how Mr. Spock (and all Vulcans) deal with emotion by internalizing and allowing themselves time to logically process it. So, I haven't had to write to get out my feelings in a while.
However, I am back to my blog this time. Something happened recently that really got to me. I withdrew into myself and tried to process it, and was able to do it. But, unlike other times, instead of the processing helping me to get over it, it resulted in my becoming more upset. I am not able to process this logically to resolve it for myself, primarily due to the fact that it lies, not within myself, but in how someone else sees me, which is something I cannot change. Normally, I would not give two hoots about what someone thinks about me. Even my closest friends, if they don't like something I did or how I am acting, I would have no difficulty telling them to go to Hell. Once again, this time it was different - this person's impression of me REALLY MATTERED, and I can't let it go!
As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, I am used to people misinterpreting the fact that Aspies just have trouble expressing emotion in the same way that neurotypicals do. This often results in NTs thinking that Aspies, and others on the spectrum, don't actually have emotions. I am used to explaining to them this misconception, as well as my theory that our emotional response to things is either full on (meltdown) or full off (no visible response at all), rarely in between. However, this person was upset one day and insisted on talking to me on my cell phone while I was driving. I patiently listened to them while they were ranting, letting them get it all out, while I was trying to navigate through the rush hour Hartford traffic. When they began to calm down and paused, I suggested that they call their therapist, since there was nothing I could do to help, especially since I was currently driving and didn't wish a ticket (or worse!).
Now, THIS is where it got to me. This person blew up all over again, claiming that they needed to talk to someone, and that our relationship meant that person was me. Also they said that their therapist was not there for them just ANY OLD TIME, but only when they had an appointment, and they weren't going to bother their therapist for something that they should be able to talk to me about. "Plus," they said, "it's not my fault that you are a robot with no emotion! You're supposed to be there for me, not pawning me off on someone else since you can't deal with my emotion!" After about five minutes of this, with both of us yelling back & forth, we finally got off the phone.
Now, this really bothered me. Here I was, driving through nasty traffic, and this person needed to vent to get something off their chest. So, they let it all out on me, without any interference from me - all I did was listen. Then, when I tried to suggest something else that might further help them deal with the issue, they got even more upset, hitting me with my Asperger's. Now, I have been close to this person for 20 years, and they know about my quirks, including my Asperger's. But to use my AS to attack me because they were upset was completely uncalled for. Also, this isn't the first time this has happened. I have often tried to explain to this person that I actually have emotions, but have difficulty expressing them. After twenty years of knowing this person, the last fifteen intimately, they still don't get me, no matter how much I try to explain it to them. I care about this person greatly, and my sole reason for existing the past 15 years was to make sure they were happy. They haven't been happy for years, and no matter what I have done, this person still can't see the good things in their life.
For the last 12 years, I have been there for this person. I have dealt with my own depression, my own Asperger's and my own social issues, and tried to keep my family afloat financially and emotionally. Yet, this person can't see everything that has been done for them. All they see is what has gone wrong and how their life is not the way they want it to be. For 15 years, I have been there absorbing all their grief and anxiety in the hopes that they might see the good things in their life, but to no avail. I even have the feeling that my alexithymia got more developed as a defense mechanism so that I could deal with the stress of two people instead of just myself. If anything, I have become a "Robot Without Emotion" so that I could take on the emotion of two people without it tearing me apart. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me over 15 years, as well as the others who have to deal with this person.
Now, I am sitting here, and I know I have to do something. Having the stress of two people to deal with will slowly drag me back into a depressive state, and that is not something I can deal with. I have the feeling that if I go back there, that I might not return from it. Plus, I have few people to talk to about it, and even those that I DO have, I can't talk to on a regular basis. The only things I can do will just cause more stress for those that I care for and isolate me from them. Yet, I need to keep pushing forward, living day to day and trying to get by the best I can.
Until next time.
Dave
However, I am back to my blog this time. Something happened recently that really got to me. I withdrew into myself and tried to process it, and was able to do it. But, unlike other times, instead of the processing helping me to get over it, it resulted in my becoming more upset. I am not able to process this logically to resolve it for myself, primarily due to the fact that it lies, not within myself, but in how someone else sees me, which is something I cannot change. Normally, I would not give two hoots about what someone thinks about me. Even my closest friends, if they don't like something I did or how I am acting, I would have no difficulty telling them to go to Hell. Once again, this time it was different - this person's impression of me REALLY MATTERED, and I can't let it go!
As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, I am used to people misinterpreting the fact that Aspies just have trouble expressing emotion in the same way that neurotypicals do. This often results in NTs thinking that Aspies, and others on the spectrum, don't actually have emotions. I am used to explaining to them this misconception, as well as my theory that our emotional response to things is either full on (meltdown) or full off (no visible response at all), rarely in between. However, this person was upset one day and insisted on talking to me on my cell phone while I was driving. I patiently listened to them while they were ranting, letting them get it all out, while I was trying to navigate through the rush hour Hartford traffic. When they began to calm down and paused, I suggested that they call their therapist, since there was nothing I could do to help, especially since I was currently driving and didn't wish a ticket (or worse!).
Now, THIS is where it got to me. This person blew up all over again, claiming that they needed to talk to someone, and that our relationship meant that person was me. Also they said that their therapist was not there for them just ANY OLD TIME, but only when they had an appointment, and they weren't going to bother their therapist for something that they should be able to talk to me about. "Plus," they said, "it's not my fault that you are a robot with no emotion! You're supposed to be there for me, not pawning me off on someone else since you can't deal with my emotion!" After about five minutes of this, with both of us yelling back & forth, we finally got off the phone.
Now, this really bothered me. Here I was, driving through nasty traffic, and this person needed to vent to get something off their chest. So, they let it all out on me, without any interference from me - all I did was listen. Then, when I tried to suggest something else that might further help them deal with the issue, they got even more upset, hitting me with my Asperger's. Now, I have been close to this person for 20 years, and they know about my quirks, including my Asperger's. But to use my AS to attack me because they were upset was completely uncalled for. Also, this isn't the first time this has happened. I have often tried to explain to this person that I actually have emotions, but have difficulty expressing them. After twenty years of knowing this person, the last fifteen intimately, they still don't get me, no matter how much I try to explain it to them. I care about this person greatly, and my sole reason for existing the past 15 years was to make sure they were happy. They haven't been happy for years, and no matter what I have done, this person still can't see the good things in their life.
For the last 12 years, I have been there for this person. I have dealt with my own depression, my own Asperger's and my own social issues, and tried to keep my family afloat financially and emotionally. Yet, this person can't see everything that has been done for them. All they see is what has gone wrong and how their life is not the way they want it to be. For 15 years, I have been there absorbing all their grief and anxiety in the hopes that they might see the good things in their life, but to no avail. I even have the feeling that my alexithymia got more developed as a defense mechanism so that I could deal with the stress of two people instead of just myself. If anything, I have become a "Robot Without Emotion" so that I could take on the emotion of two people without it tearing me apart. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me over 15 years, as well as the others who have to deal with this person.
Now, I am sitting here, and I know I have to do something. Having the stress of two people to deal with will slowly drag me back into a depressive state, and that is not something I can deal with. I have the feeling that if I go back there, that I might not return from it. Plus, I have few people to talk to about it, and even those that I DO have, I can't talk to on a regular basis. The only things I can do will just cause more stress for those that I care for and isolate me from them. Yet, I need to keep pushing forward, living day to day and trying to get by the best I can.
Until next time.
Dave
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