Living with Depression AND Autism

I have depression.  I also have Asperger's Syndrome.  I don't know whether the depression developed on its own, or if I was born with it - there is some debate whether it is something one is just predisposed to, or if it is part of one's genetics.  On the other hand, I was BORN with the Asperger's Syndrome, and I grew up with it.

Growing up with AS (Asperger's Syndrome - now High Functioning Autism), I have always had a difficult time putting myself in other people's places, and had to learn to cognitively figure out other people.  So, I regularly got into situations when I misunderstood something that was said, and got into a bad place.  This is when my depression started manifesting itself.  My AS

However, when I became an adult, my depression got worse, and when I was 31, I started realizing that it was a problem.  I had gotten a job teaching at a boarding school, and was putting in 60-80 hour work weeks.  I also had a couple of run-ins with the school's headmaster, and was regularly told that I wasn't doing things right.  Yet, every time I asked for help, I was told that I needed to figure it out on my own.  This regular lecturing without assistance made me feel like I was a failure, and would never amount to anything. Finally, I sought out the help of a licensed therapist to find out what was wrong with me.  I ended up going through therapy for 5 years, and going on medication (which I am still on). I realized that it wasn't all me, but that it was the school I was working for, and some of the administration at the school (like the headmaster), that was the real problem.  After realizing that, I decided to seek another job.  I stayed on my medication, but ended my therapy sessions.

Since that time, I have been in and out of different teaching jobs.  I was always told how much the kids love me as a teacher, but there's always one or two who complain.  Unfortunately, the administration at the schools only hear from the squeaky wheels, and so I have constantly heard about my shortcomings, but rarely about what I was doing right.  I would have good days at school, and bad days at school, but every bad day was 100 times worse than the good days.  So, one day last year, I decided that I had had enough stress and grief.  I was blowing up at my wife and kids on a regular basis, I would stay at school grading papers and going to endless faculty meetings, and I was getting nothing but negative feedback about my performance.  There were endless days designated to testing, and the kids were overloaded since they were expected to learn more with less time.  Then, when I got a call from the high school in town about needing a long term sub, I jumped at the chance.

I enjoyed my 4 months at the high school.  I knew a number of the kids, since I lived in town, and am still hearing from parents and students about how well the kids took to my teaching.  And, most importantly, my depression symptoms became almost invisible.  Yet, my job was over in June, and I have had 3 long term sub spots since then.  One of them was almost as good, but the other two were/are stressful.

My depression pops up now and again, and my meds only work to lessen those symptoms.  My AS also gets in the way from time to time.  I have decided to leave teaching and seek other employment.  Connecticut has some wonderful programs and grants to get unemployed and underemployed workers into fields that need more workers.  Healthcare is one.  Our population is aging, due to the baby boomers getting to retirement age, and there is a large need for CNAs and LPNs to care for them.  Unfortunately, it takes a specail person to care for older people, and after burning out as a teacher, Ino longer have the patience to deal with the stresses of the health field.  Another area that tCTgot grant money for is the tech field.  Technology is aadvancing at an amazing rate (almost as high a rate as the aging of our population), and there is a need for tech workers.  This is an area that I have some experience in, and feel I would be great at.  Unfortunately, this grant program is not run as well, and there is a lack of communication between those running it for the state and those who wish to utilize it.  It's a shame, since this would be something I could excel at, especially with my Asperger's Syndrome!

Fortunately for me, and many others, the state also received a grant to create a "pipeline"to funnel workers into manufacturing jobs.  After decades of skilled jobs leaving the US and going to other countries, there has been a resurgence of manufacturing in the country.  Eastern CT has a growing collection of manufacturers, ranging from small to big.  These include Electric Boat and Pratt &Whitney, and they are in desperate need of skilled workers.  So, the state got a grant to train workers and help them get jobs in the manufacturing sector.  This would be perfect for me with my AS and my Depression as it would allow me to put myself wholeheartedly into my work.  Especially since there is a drafting and design component which would allow me to utilize my technical skills and be a little creative in my work.

Ihate to leave teaching, but the education sector is no longer about helping the kids to learn, and moved towards pusing the kids through a "cookie cutter"education.  Schools no longer help the kids where they are, based on their strength and weaknesses, and help them be creative in solving problems, but try to force them, one and all, into a mold so they all come out the same.  I no longer feel comfortable teaching kids, since as a teacher, I am expected to force them to be the same as all their peers.  And, given my own difficulties and differences, this is not something that I am able to do.  I have always told them that I teach real life, and real life is not that everyone is the same as their peers, but that we are all different.  Especially those with Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism, where they are as different from their peers as a person can get!  Ino longer love the education system, and am leaving my teaching career behind.

Today, I've made a decision...

...and it's not one that I made quickly.  In fact, it's been coming for a LONG TIME.  I have decided that it is no longer worth it being a teacher.  I have spent the year in one long-term sub spot after another, and at two of the four schools I've been at, I've had issues with the administration.  One school, they didn't like the pace at which I was teaching.  I had spent a couple of days playing math Jeopardy to get the kids ready for tests and quizzes, and the principal told me that she was hearing from a number of parents about how their kids weren't learning anything.  However, I had just heard the night before from parents (at the school's Open House night) about how much their kids liked my class, and how they were getting so much out of it.  Needless to say, for the next 6 weeks, I was on pins and needles, and every time the phone rang in my classroom, I got nervous, thinking that the principal was on the other end of the line to tell me, "We've decided to let you go."  I was so happy when the teacher got back from her maternity leave.

Then, after a month off, I was interviewed by another school, when a math teacher went out on medical leave.  I was at the school for 3 months, but heard mostly good things from administration.  Even if there was a criticism about something that had happened, they always made sure to mention the positive as well as the negative.  This, if anything, made me feel at home at this school.  It was the best 3 months of the year for me.

Now, I have been at a third school in another long-term sub spot teaching math.  I keep hearing from other teachers, as well as students, how much the kids love having my class.  Unfortunately, I had a dressing down from administration about the kids' behavior in one of my classes.  The administrator basically said, "(This) is what I heard, and I wouldn't accept that from a daily sub, much less a long term sub.  If you don't fix whatever you did, I'll have to find someone else for the rest of the year.  I don't want to, but I'll do it if I have to."  Needless to say, this upset me a bit, but I tried to deal with it gracefully, and told him that I would try my best.  Then, I asked for some suggestions about another class, and was told, "I wouldn't know, since I have never observed that class," (not like he saw the other class he was talking to me about...), "But, you must have done something to make those kids believe they could act up, so you have to fix it."

Now, here I am, a teacher with 16 years experience teaching math and science, some kids who had Asperger's Syndrome, and I regularly hear from parents, kids and other faculty how much they enjoy having me as a teacher.  Yet, I cannot find a permanent position because the union rules state that I must be paid the equivalent of two brand new teachers, fresh out of school.  I am also being dressed down about my classroom management as a long term sub.  Add to that the fact that long term subs get paid so little...

ASIDE: Most districts pay long term subs the per diem rate that they would pay a first year teacher, which, in CT, is about $210-$250 per day.  However, out of the 3 Long Term Sub spots I have had this year, and one from last year, half of the districts pay much less.  One district limited the pay to 60% of the first year salary for the first 20 days (1 month) of teaching), and the one I am in now is paying only $135 per day (or about the same amount of money I would have been making as a math tutor in a district - or one and a half times the daily sub rate).  Needless to say, I am not making enough to support my family...

Everywhere, I hear about the shortage of teachers we have, and especially Math teachers.  I also hear about the lack of subs for the schools.  Yet, here I am with 16 years of experience, and I cannot get a job in a school because of the salary they would be forced to pay me due to the union contract.  Jobs at private & parochial schools are easier to come by, but most of these pay so much less money (due to the lack of a union in most cases), that I couldn't support my family on it.  Also, with Common Core and states pulling money out of education, many schools are cutting teachers just to remain solvent.  I have decided to leave the teaching profession - it will no longer support me or my family.  I may take a tutor position in a school, or even a paraprofessional position, since I can work less, have fewer responsibilities outside of school hours and, as a result, make more money as a private tutor as well.  I have 23 more days to get through (if the administration here doesn't get rid of me first), and then I can concentrate on getting a better position with less responsibility, as well as similar, if not higher, pay.  I think it's a shame, but public education is doomed if it continues along this path...

Thanks for sticking with me through this long rant.  And, if you hear something about a teacher in your district, ask them what they think.  They'd love to talk about it, since they really can't talk about it in there school.