Ever since talking to my coworker (I still have problems calling someone a friend - I feel like such a loner) on Friday, I have been thinking about why people with Asperger's have trouble with relationships. After all, I have been married for over 13 years (and with her for over 18 years) and I rarely feel like we have problems. Of course, I know that's not the truth, but I often forget the hard ties when they're gone and only remember the good times. This morning, I almost had a meltdown...
My wife was getting things ready for the kids lunches, and realized our cats had peed on a box of pouch drinks that she had gotten for her Girl Scout troop. Well, she blew up, causing our daughter (who is 9 and emotionally sensitive) to start crying. That made my wife blow up some more, and the cycle continued with my daughter bawling and my wife start complaining about how horrible her life is and how nobody cares about her. Meanwhile, I'm getting our son (who's 6) ready for school. All the while, I'm thinking, "Why can't they control their emotions? I can." At that point it hit me - I have enough trouble dealing with my OWN life. When I got married, I was committing myself to my wife for life. Now, there's TWO people whose lives I need to deal with. When our kids were born, I became partly responsible for their lives as well (that's FOUR). Now, I have enough trouble dealing with my own emotions and controlling them. I have trouble supporting myself and understanding my own actions and reactions to things, partly because I haven't been able to model my emotions and how they control my actions. NOW, because I am married with kids, I have to help three other people deal with their own emotions and realize how their actions affect others. I can barely do that for MYSELF, let alone anyone else! I don't know how many times in the past 13 years I have thought, "I wish I was alone!" If I was alone, I would be able to deal with my environment better than I do now since there would be less variables to deal with. On the other hand, if I WAS alone, I would have to separate from my wife and, worse, I wouldn't get to be with my kids as much.
My Asperger's makes my brain a very step-by-step, logical thinker. I deal well with things I can control, which makes me want to be alone often. But, I love my wife and kids and can't imagine being without them. I always find it interesting that fellow Aspies talk about their trouble with relationships and wish to have a long-lasting one. I am in a long-term relationship and often wish I wasn't. Maybe it's a case of the grass always being greener on the other side...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Nice Day Today
Had a very nice day today. Dropped both kids off at friends' houses and got to spend the day with my wife. We've been a little stressed as a couple, sniping at each other due to lack of money (I'm only working part-time right now). But spending the day together today was really nice. Of course, it was not what she WANTED to do, so she thinks we got nothing done today, but it was still a nice day. But it wouldn't have always been that way...
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago, we were constantly stressed out and even the days we were together without the kids, weren't good days. We would spend days like that quiet and doing our own separate things. My inability to figure out the emotions of others was stressful for her since I never responded to her when she was upset, except for maybe trying to "fix" whatever was upsetting her. I also was keeping in my stress and not letting it out in the presence of others, so she never really knew what I was feeling. She would often guess, but was rarely right. Things I did confused her since I never reacted to situations in the same way she would, and when she'd question me about why I did what I did, I would get upset thinking she was telling me that I did it wrong. She cared about me and I cared about her (at least in my own way), but that was not enough. We needed to UNDERSTAND each other. Even the SUSPICION that I had Asperger's wasn't enough to help us understand each other.
All that changed with my official diagnosis. Instead of the suspicion that I was wired differently, it became real. Strategies that I had developed over my lifetime became more acceptable with the official diagnosis. Instead of just being strange, I was different for a reason. It made my marriage and my family life 1000X better. However, it had the OPPOSITE effect on my job...
I was brought back to memories of my diagnosis after I read an article about another marriage that was saved by an Asperger's diagnosis. And my GRASP message boards have had a number of threads about relationships. So, in addition to those, and helping my friend understand the failed relationship she had with someone who has Asperger's, I realized that my marriage is on of the great successes of my life. And, no matter how often I wish I was on my own, I wouldn't give up my family for the world!
Before I was diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago, we were constantly stressed out and even the days we were together without the kids, weren't good days. We would spend days like that quiet and doing our own separate things. My inability to figure out the emotions of others was stressful for her since I never responded to her when she was upset, except for maybe trying to "fix" whatever was upsetting her. I also was keeping in my stress and not letting it out in the presence of others, so she never really knew what I was feeling. She would often guess, but was rarely right. Things I did confused her since I never reacted to situations in the same way she would, and when she'd question me about why I did what I did, I would get upset thinking she was telling me that I did it wrong. She cared about me and I cared about her (at least in my own way), but that was not enough. We needed to UNDERSTAND each other. Even the SUSPICION that I had Asperger's wasn't enough to help us understand each other.
All that changed with my official diagnosis. Instead of the suspicion that I was wired differently, it became real. Strategies that I had developed over my lifetime became more acceptable with the official diagnosis. Instead of just being strange, I was different for a reason. It made my marriage and my family life 1000X better. However, it had the OPPOSITE effect on my job...
I was brought back to memories of my diagnosis after I read an article about another marriage that was saved by an Asperger's diagnosis. And my GRASP message boards have had a number of threads about relationships. So, in addition to those, and helping my friend understand the failed relationship she had with someone who has Asperger's, I realized that my marriage is on of the great successes of my life. And, no matter how often I wish I was on my own, I wouldn't give up my family for the world!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Long Time No Talk
Well, it's been a while since I posted in this blog and a lot has happened. I've been unemployed, reemployed part-time, passed the last of the classes I need for certification, gotten my application in for my Initial Certification, been offered a full-time spot, and applied to become an astronaut (I know - that last one doesn't really fit...). And, one of my achievements that I a MOST proud of...
Yesterday, I helped a friend understand a little about how Aspies think. She is the other science teacher at my school. She joined the school part way through the year and has been actively working on organizing the Science Lab. She also likes to talk with me when she is working in there. Not that there's anything wrong with tat, but I typically like being by myself. I tend to zone out when she talks to me but, for some reason, I didn't yesterday. One of the things we talked about was someone she had had a relationship with who had AS. It hadn't worked out (he broke it off) and she had thought she had something to do with it. I explained to her how I am - that I have trouble expressing my emotions and that, since I have trouble telling my OWN emotions from one another, that it is even harder to deal with the emotions of another (empathy). She asked me about my wife and why I decided to get married and I told her that it was a decision I made to be with someone. I also told her that I need a lot more alone time than my wife would like me to, but that, especially since my diagnosis, she has been OK with it since it is who I am.
She was happy that I was so honest and forthright with her (another of my Aspie traits), and I told her that's just the way I am and that it often gets me in trouble, especially with my supervisors since they don't like me voicing my real opinions of them. She said she felt much better that it wasn't her fault that he had broken it off but that was just the way he was.
Well, gotta go. I have a little monkey squirming his way in! I'll try to post more often!
Yesterday, I helped a friend understand a little about how Aspies think. She is the other science teacher at my school. She joined the school part way through the year and has been actively working on organizing the Science Lab. She also likes to talk with me when she is working in there. Not that there's anything wrong with tat, but I typically like being by myself. I tend to zone out when she talks to me but, for some reason, I didn't yesterday. One of the things we talked about was someone she had had a relationship with who had AS. It hadn't worked out (he broke it off) and she had thought she had something to do with it. I explained to her how I am - that I have trouble expressing my emotions and that, since I have trouble telling my OWN emotions from one another, that it is even harder to deal with the emotions of another (empathy). She asked me about my wife and why I decided to get married and I told her that it was a decision I made to be with someone. I also told her that I need a lot more alone time than my wife would like me to, but that, especially since my diagnosis, she has been OK with it since it is who I am.
She was happy that I was so honest and forthright with her (another of my Aspie traits), and I told her that's just the way I am and that it often gets me in trouble, especially with my supervisors since they don't like me voicing my real opinions of them. She said she felt much better that it wasn't her fault that he had broken it off but that was just the way he was.
Well, gotta go. I have a little monkey squirming his way in! I'll try to post more often!
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