It’s been a while since I’ve posted to this blog, but I had an epiphany tonight, and I feel the need to get it down in writing before I forget...
I am 42 years old, and was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome when I was 37. The diagnosis gave me insight into my life up to that point, and I realized how much I was like the students I was teaching at the time. I had developed a lot of coping strategies to deal with my differences, and was leading a semi-successful life. However, I have had difficulty holding a job and, as a result, my family has struggled financially. I also have had problems in relating to my family, and it has caused a lot of stress between me and my wife and kids. However, despite all of this, my family is still together, and we have, at least for the time being, a roof over our heads and food on the table.
Last month, though, we received some information that has changed the way I see myself - my daughter was diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism, which is the modern equivalent to my Asperger’s Syndrome. So, she is a lot like I am, but I have noticed some differences between us. For example, my daughter is much better at socializing with others than I am. She also has many more friends than I do, and is more comfortable in large groups. I, on the other hand, even have trouble relating to my family, especially my wife, and the idea of being in a large group makes me cringe with anxiety. However, this has always seemed to me normal - I grew up in a family where my parents were home a lot, and rarely went to large gatherings. So, I always felt like my social skills weren’t too bad, and that I was just more introverted than my peers.
Today, though, I had a realization about just how poor my socialization skills are. I watch a lot of shows about vampires, and also a lot of Science Fiction. In many of these shows, there are teenage characters and young adults, and they have many social interactions in the show, as expected. In watching one of these shows, The 100, I saw how one group of main characters interacted with each other, and I realized that the way the characters behaved towards one another was totally foreign to me! I felt like an outsider observing an alien culture, and wondering how strangely they behaved towards one another, even though it was normal for them. For the first time, I really felt like I was born on the wrong planet, and I felt out of place.
I know it’s part of who I am, but I wish I could just feel emotion like everyone else. I wish I could socialize with others and not be so out of place. And, most importantly, I wish I had the same supports as my daughter will be getting! Navigating the real world is just so tiring, that I wish I could hide from the world and not come back!
Wow, I feel better now that I have gotten this out. Thanks for lending me your ear for a while!
