It’s the Little Things

You know, it's the littlest things that often affect us the most. Kind of like in War of the Worlds where the germs kill off the Martians that mankind can't even hurt! Recently, I went to an audiologist for a hearing test. I've had tinnitus for years, a result of listening too loudly to my music while mowing the lawn as a teen, and I'd noticed that I'd been having difficulty hearing people adequately. At least, that's what my wife said - I'm not sure it wasn't selective hearing :-) However, I did hear an increase in the "volume" of the tinnitus. My first visit to the audiologist back in March, I was unable to get the hearing test done due to blocked ears. 'Maybe that's why I'm having difficulty hearing,' I thought. Well, I got my ears cleaned out, and found no change in my hearing. So, I went back in July to the audiologist and found out that my hearing was degrading in both ears at higher frequencies. This was, in my left ear, at the borders of acceptable hearing, although a little more decline and I would "officially" have a hearing loss in that ear. In my right ear, I "officially" had mild sensoneural hearing loss at higher frequencies.

In discussing the results with the doctor, she asked about the results. Some people have mild hearing loss, like I do, and it really bothers them. I seem to fit into this category. Others have such severe hearing loss that, in her words, "...it's amazing they don't seem to notice it." In my case, how is my mild hearing loss in one ear and borderline loss in the other ear affecting me? Well, first and foremost, I have trouble hearing people. This results in my not responding on occasion when people speak to me, especially if I am not looking at them. Additionally, if the speaker is female, or a child, their voices tend to be in higher registers, therefore I am less likely to hear them (hence the supposed 'selective hearing' of my wife). This then causes some people to get upset at me, thinking I am ignoring them (like my wife), causing tempers to flair and (with my difficulty controlling my own emotions) on the rare occasion, causing a blowup.

So, WHY is a MILD hearing loss affecting me so severely? Well, it turns out that this is probably a result of my Aspergers Syndrome. Discussing my AS with the audiologist, she hypothesized that with my AS, it takes me a little time to process things that people say to me, especially with my social skills issues (lack of Theory of Mind). This delay was not noticeable when I was younger, since I heard them fine, and so even with the processing delay, no one, not even me, noticed that it took me a millisecond or two longer to respond appropriately. However, now it takes me time for my brain to decipher what it heard. Added to the processing delay, there is now a noticeable delay in responding appropriately, causing me to (subconsciously) get upset (as well as other people) with my inability to react to people.

In thinking about this, it also explains a couple of other issues my wife has noticed. She has told me that I have changed since we've met. First, I used to socialize more when we first met and got married. Now, she says I don't socialize as much, and when I go with the family to parties and get-togethers, I often "go hide," in her words. I think that this is true, but now I think that my frustration with hearing people causes me to avoid that large group interaction more than when I was younger. Being in a group of people, not only is it more difficult to hear someone who is interacting with me, but the extraneous discussion and music around me causes even more delay in processing what I've heard! So, subconsciously, I've grown to dislike larger gatherings, and even avoid them.

Also, my wife says that she has to explain herself to me much more frequently than she used to. This frustrates her to no end. I used to just understand what she was asking, in fact, we used to complete each other's sentences. Now that I think about it, if I am having difficulty hearing and processing what she is saying to me, I tend to repeat what is being said in the form of a question (you know, kind of like Jeopardy "So, I need to do this, right?").

So, despite my knowledge of Aspergers from both having it and working with students who have it for 11 years, I am still learning about how it affects adults, and myself in particular. The affects of aging of those with Aspergers, especially those in whom it was not diagnosed in childhood since they were high-functioning enough in school for it to not affect their education (hence the IDEA law did not affect them) seems to be exponentially difficult, creating mountains out of what seem to be anthills. In me, this can be seen in my mild hearing loss and its affects on my social and family life.

This is also an effect of our societal avoidance of differences. If I had not noticed the change in my hearing, I would not have recognized the cause for a number of my issues. Yet, we as a society, tend to avoid being labelled as "abnormal," and try to avoid seeking diagnoses. Both my Aspergers and hearing loss are aspects of my health that are making me who I am and causing me to change how I am perceived by others. By getting these diagnoses, I am on my way to being more accepted, and understood, rather than just being labelled as a "Grumpy Old Man" and a "Hermit-Loner."

Until next time - Dave