Anxiety Rears its Ugly Head

Now, I am not one to admit this, but I sometimes get anxiety.  I HATE the fact that I sometimes feel anxious - I always like to think of myself as a calm, level-headed guy, but I am not always like that.  Plus, it's not enough to interfere with my daily functioning.  Not to say that it doesn't interfere, just that compared to my other issues (i.e. my depression, my Asperger's, my social issues), the level to which my anxiety affects my daily functioning is miniscule.  However, I got an e-mail last night that has me feeling anxious, and it makes me want to avoid doing anything today.

Now, growing up with Asperger's, I often saw things around me differently than others did.  I never felt the same way that others did, my sense of humor was different, I was more creative than many of my peers and had single areas in which I was interested, and they were NEVER the same as my peers.  I was often told by others that I saw things in the wrong way, or that my perspective was warped.  So, as a result, I came to question when people wanted to talk to me about things, not telling me what they were about first.  What did I do?  Am I in trouble?  What's wrong now?

As I got older, I began to not care about what people thought of me.  "I do the best I can," I'd say to myself.  "If people don't like it, or who I am, then to Hell with them!"  As I got into the workforce, I thought the same thing about my job.  If my boss asked me to do something, I did the best I could.  If it wasn't good enough, then I tried to do better, but I realized that some people are impossible to please.  So, if my best was still not good enough, then too bad.  This doesn't mean that I didn't want feedback or help in getting better, but mostly that sometimes when I asked for help, I wasn't given any.

THEN, I began to work at a school where they were very supportive of the teachers.  I wasn't told to figure out things for myself, and if something happened, I was told about it as soon as possible, rather than weeks/months/years later.  But, still, every time someone comes to me and says, "We need to meet," I get anxious about it.  I spent so much of my life thinking about what I had done wrong and how I was going to be "punished" for it, that I have little faith in those around me.  I am slowly trying to work out that scar tissue and heal the mistrust and lack of help that marked my past (at a school which is supposed to HELP people with Asperger's learn to get by in the world, but yet they weren't willing to help me  because, as an adult, I "...should already KNOW how to do things" - figure THAT ONE out!).

I like to think of myself as not being an anxious person, but I am human.  Anxiety and stress are part of the life of every person.  What we can control is how much that anxiety controls our lives and what we do.  I try not to let it control my life, but every once in a while, it shows up and can halt my normal functioning.  In these instances, I need to learn (and the learning curve is steep!) to not let it get to me.

So, I started this post this morning, when I had gotten my notice of a meeting, and one that was important at that.  But, it all turned out for the best, and I feel that this person was really out to help me become a better teacher, not, like others in the past, to punish me for some sort of transgression.  My anxiety got in the way, for about 18 hours between the e-mail and my meeting, but I powered through it and now feel like I have people looking out for me, which is a wonderful feeling - one which I haven't had in a long, LONG time!

Until next time!

Dave